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You Ain't Gonna Believe This...

Categories Sex Joke

Authror: CrimsonLegacy

Published: 19 January 2016

  • Font:

Ok, so let me start by saying that heaven has gotten far too crowded lately, and as such God was forced to change the rules of admission. Now, not only does one have to live a good life, repent for their sins, and accept Jesus, but they also must have a real shitty day the day they die.

First guy comes waking up to the pearly gates and St. Peter stops him.

"Hey Jim. I know you're probably excited about making it to heaven, but there is a catch. You lived a decent life, begged gods forgiveness for the sins you did commit, and accepted Jesus as your lord and savior, but the truth of the matter is there is a new stipulation for admission to paradise. I need to now how your day went today to see if you qualify." he said as he invited Jim to sit with him at a massive golden table.

"Alright man, but you ain't gonna believe this. So I came home early from work, wanting to surprise the wife you know. I walk in the door to my 25th story new york city apartment with some wine and a bouquet of roses. But when I get to the room, I found my wife lying there naked. Now I hadnt told her I was coming home early, so she must have been naked for someone else. I was furious, I tore the house apart looking for her lover. Flipped the couch over. Looked in the closets and under the bed. In the tub, even in the cabinets. But nothing. I thought maybe I was wrong, maybe she had called the office and found out I left early. Then I saw, out the corner of my eye, some guy climbing up my balcony, half naked. Oh man was I pissedl I ran out and stomped his fingers like crazy, I'll give him credit cuz he held out as long as he could, but I broke all of his fingers and then he fell. I watched him fall, surely he would die right it's 25 stories. NOPE, he bounced off a couple branches in a tree and survived. He wasn't moving but I could hear him screaming for help. This made me even angrier so I ran in and grabbed the first thing I could to throw at him, happened to be the fridge. I wheeled it out and tossed it over and watched it fall, fall, and fall until it smashed right into him. Then I had a heart attack from all the excitement."

"Wow. That's a bad day if I say so, you're in." St. Peter said before sending Jim through the gates.

A couple minutes passed before a second guy came walking up. "Hello Michael." St. Peter said before explaining the new rules. "So before I let you in, I'm gonna need to hear about your day."

"Alright." Michael responded. "But you ain't gonna believe this. So I'm in prime physical shape right, work out every day, eat right, tan, the whole nine yards. Well anyway, I'm doing my daily workout on the balcony of my 26th story New York City apartment and I don't know man, I guess I was just stressed. My boss has been on my ass, and my girl is wanting a commitment, then my mom calls like "when am I gonna have a grand baby?" and it was just too much. I pushed myself too hard and flipped right over the railing. Wow! Man I was scared, but somehow I caught myself on the balcony downstairs. Just as I'm pulling myself up, some crazy man comes out screaming and cursing and stomping on my fingers. I held on as long as I could, but I think he broke all of my fingers and then I just let go. So I'm falling 25 stories, I'm definitely gonna die right? NOPE, hit a couple branches in this tree, felt a snap in my back and landed on the ground still alive. I couldn't move so I screamed for help. Then! The crazy guy started yelling again, and he freaking threw something at me. Now I'm watching it as its coming at me, it gets bigger and bigger and bigger HOLY SHIT IT'S A FRIDGE! And it crushed me, now I'm here."

"Wow. That is quite the story sir. I'd say a day like that is enough to get you in." St. Peter said before walking him through the gates.

A couple minutes passed and a third man came walking up, St Peter greeted him like he had the others and explained the new rules, then asked him how his day had went.

"Alright man, but you ain't gonna believe this. So I'm naked hiding in a fridge right...."

Views: 62039     Rated: +7.31

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You Ain't Gonna Believe This...

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Comments (32)
Anonymous reader — 11 March 2016 18:00
Lol that was some funny shit
Anonymous reader — 14 December 2015 09:48
Wow, gotta admit I didnt see that one coming. Well done.
Anonymous reader — 04 May 2014 21:37
This isn't a sex story, so why is it here????

It is hilarious though.
anonymous reader — 14 September 2013 21:40
He had a heart attack you retard learn to read
pussylover848 — 15 April 2013 00:40
holly fuck im laughing my face off.
anonymous reader — 05 April 2013 16:58
I am dying of laughter!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
anonymous reader — 03 April 2013 02:08
how did the first guy die???
Rougeoooo7 — 19 March 2013 15:11
Fucking Awesome...
Man...
PussyWolf — 02 March 2013 00:51
Really good one! So funny! Naugthy Wife!
anonymous reader — 27 February 2013 21:18
AAAAWWWWEEEESSSSOOOMMMEEE BEEEOOOTTTCC******
anonymous reader — 20 February 2013 02:39
That was funnier than a 1 legged man in an ass kickin contest!LMFAO!
anonymous reader — 05 February 2013 00:56
holy shit im totally telling my bf he`ll laugh his head off. I didnt laugh I just pissed myself it was so freakin halarious [ spelt that wrong srry]
anonymous reader — 05 January 2013 21:35
Lol great joke I gotta share it
anonymous reader — 26 November 2012 06:02
OMG!!! That was freakin awesome. I haven't laughed that hard in ages. "Hidin naked in a fridge." hahahahahaha
anonymous reader — 20 November 2012 18:51
~ehhhhhhh~ not GREAT but not bad either. it wasnt haha funny, it was more like in between.

-pikachu6780 too lazy 2 log in
anonymous reader — 10 September 2012 03:47
I haven't ever laughed that hard
anonymous reader — 10 September 2012 03:39
I haven't ever laughed that hard
kittykat_XD — 01 September 2012 17:11
awesome joke, I pissed myself laughing!! I was Rofl too!
ButchKitty — 26 August 2012 14:52
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
anonymous reader — 25 August 2012 20:54
I heard a slightly different version of this one about 30 years ago. You should proof-read everything BEFORE submitting it for publication, For example, you say ''it was just too mucho'' and then you write ''...I fought myself on the balcony...''. Obviously, you did not proof-read this.
anonymous reader — 19 August 2012 20:14
Crimson Legacy, how do you know she did not make her pussy wet by pissing herself laughing at this joke?
anonymous reader — 19 August 2012 13:43
Unbelievable naked in a fridge
CrimsonLegacy16 August 2012 20:07
I'm assuming u read one of my stories cuz I don't see how this joke makes someone wet.... But thanks anyway, glad my writing made someone laugh and more
anonymous reader — 16 August 2012 17:41
god damit u did an awsome joke dont know what to say but u allso made my pussy weely wet baby im fingering now
CrimsonLegacy15 August 2012 10:36
Glad you guys like it. Not gonna lie, I was worried with the number of negative votes, but none of those people commented so I can't even find out what they didn't like about it. Thanks for the positive votes guys, I have a bunch of funny jokes in a notebook at home, I'll have to post a couple more.
anonymous reader — 15 August 2012 04:26
Pissed in my fricken pants
anonymous reader — 14 August 2012 14:44
awesome joke man! This is a fantastic n mind blowing joke!
anonymous reader — 07 August 2012 21:48
Ive heard the same joke diff version though same concept
CrimsonLegacy07 August 2012 18:53
Glad you guys found it funny
anonymous reader — 07 August 2012 18:41
lol omfg lmfao wtf wow funny shit
anonymous reader — 07 August 2012 17:02
This is a good joke.
anonymous reader — 07 August 2012 16:53
This is a good joke.
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