MICHELLE: It started as an argument about who has the better body.
SEBASTIAN: Why would you argue about that?
MICHELLE: I didn't. That was them. They were a little drunk. We were all drunk. We'd had enough of the family gathering and we were hiding and being bad. Except we didn't plan on being that bad.
SEBASTIAN: Indeed. Can I ask, who has the better body?
MICHELLE: Oh, probably my sister. She's stunning. But my brother is pretty hot too. It's close. Call it a tie.
SEBASTIAN: So they were arguing...
MICHELLE: They were joking around. We were all laughing. My brother took off his shirt, so then my sister did too. They started posing. I was out of the running, I was in a chair in the corner. My brother took off his jeans. So did my sister. More posing, more joking. A noticeable large bulge in my brother's underwear. More laughter. My brother dropped his boxers. Then it got quiet.
SEBASTIAN: What was everybody's reaction?
MICHELLE: I... was not registering what I was seeing. It happened so fast. My brother had a big smile. My sister... I want to talk about the look on her face. That's what I remember the most. That's what I couldn't take my eyes off of the whole time.
SEBASTIAN: Was she upset?
MICHELLE: No, not at all. Her expression... She sat down on the bed—we were in my old bedroom, upstairs in my parents' house—she sat down, reached out, and flicked his dick with her finger. He was rock hard, so, boing. She looked like a cat playing with a new toy. She swiped it a couple more times, boing, boing. Then she held it. A nice steady grip. And she just looked at it.
SEBASTIAN: Was this their first sexual encounter with each other?
MICHELLE: Yes. I asked her later. She said she hadn't even thought of it before. And I'm trying to understand what she was thinking at the time. Because she looked so deep in thought. Neither of them moved for the longest time, then she looked up at our brother, and just sort of... shrugged.
SEBASTIAN: Shrugged?
MICHELLE: I'm still trying to figure it out. Like she was saying, yes, we can do it, but it didn't matter? Like she didn't care that they were going to do something so...
SEBASTIAN: She was giving permission without fully engaging. She was leaving space for either of them to back out.
MICHELLE: Maybe. I was just expecting something more, you know? She was going to do something insane, why did she act like it was no big deal?
SEBASTIAN: She must have been comfortable with the situation. She must have been fully present in the moment. Were you comfortable?
MICHELLE: I was afraid to say anything. Afraid to move. Like I was watching two animals in the wild. I didn't know what would happen next.
SEBASTIAN: What did happen?
MICHELLE: They started fucking. Just like that. Like I wasn't even there.
SEBASTIAN: What did you do?
MICHELLE: I watched. I watched my sister. I had a clear view of her face. Her expression... it's so hard to describe.
SEBASTIAN: Let's explore that. First of all, why were you so focused on her face?
MICHELLE: I wanted to know what she was thinking.
SEBASTIAN: Did you ask her afterward?
MICHELLE: Not really. I asked her if she's done this before, and she said no, and I could tell she wanted me to drop the subject, so I did. And we haven't talked about it since.
SEBASTIAN: Not at all?
MICHELLE: No. She lives across the country, we only see each other on the holidays. This isn't something I can just call her and talk about.
SEBASTIAN: Are you close with your sister?
MICHELLE: I think so. We get along pretty well.
SEBASTIAN: What about your brother?
MICHELLE: Yeah, we're fine. I haven't talked to him about it either. He lives in the city, so I see him more often. He acts like everything is normal.
SEBASTIAN: Let's go back to the sexual act. Try to describe the expression on your sister's face.
MICHELLE: There were moments when it seemed like she realized she was making a big mistake. Like she was panicking, wanted to stop, but she was really enjoying it too. Really enjoying it. Most of the time there was a look of pure pleasure on her face, and she would look up at our brother so intensely, like I suppose she would look at her boyfriend—but then I would get glimpses of something else on her face. Like, almost revulsion. Or shame.
SEBASTIAN: She was experiencing the transgression.
MICHELLE: What?
SEBASTIAN: The act she was committing is far beyond acceptable traditional behavior, it's a transgression of one of the most fundamental human codes. And yet the pleasure she was receiving, her enjoyment of the act, made it seem like the prohibition against incest is a lie, that anybody can do it and have a positive, incredible experience. Incest is full of conflicting ideas and emotions. You were witnessing that dissonance being played out on her face.
MICHELLE: Huh. I'll have to think about that.
SEBASTIAN: What was the expression on your brother's face?
MICHELLE: I couldn't see his face. All I could see was his ass going up and down.
SEBASTAN: Did you do anything other than watch?
MICHELLE: I was touching myself. Did it without even thinking.
SEBASTIAN: Did you want to join in?
MICHELLE: No, I was okay where I was.
SEBASTIAN: And what happened when they finished?
MICHELLE: They cleaned up and got dressed. It felt like we were waking up from a nap—stretching, rubbing our faces. Little glances at each other, to see if everybody was okay. We were all calm. We went downstairs, one by one, to rejoin the rest of the family. And for the rest of the day, it was almost like it never happened.
SEBASTIAN: Have they continued their relationship?
MICHELLE: A long distance romance? I don't know. I don' t think they've seen each other since that day. But here's the thing—there's another family get-together soon. And I wonder if they'll do it again. And I wonder—can I ask them if I can watch again?
SEBASTIAN: You just want to watch?
MICHELLE: I want to see my sister's face again. I'm obsessed with what I saw. But would it be different this time? Plenty of time has passed, I don't know how much has changed between them. And would the second time be better than the first, or worse? I just really want to see what happens.
SEBASTIAN: You should ask them if you can watch.
MICHELLE: Really?
SEBASTIAN: They'll most likely say yes. Your presence the first time was obviously reassuring for them. Maybe they would be reluctant to have sex without you there.
MICHELLE: What are we getting ourselves into...
SEBASTIAN: You are all exploring something extraordinary. I've been researching adult consensual incest for years, and I am always astonished by the bravery of those who experience it. You are seeking understanding and satisfaction, and I would like to help you find it. We can discuss what you can say, what you can do, what you can look for. Maybe you could convince your brother and sister to speak with me too. Don't worry—the answers you are looking for will come.
The Sebastian Files by Tammy Elton
