Twenty-one years ago my world was upended. It’s never been the same. While what happened was minor, compared to what many people face in their lives, it has had a deep impact upon me.
I had flown half way across the country to see my lover. We had not been together in three years; each home with our respective primary partners. Our relationship was open. It was very sexual.
When one of us arrived and we were initially together, G was normally a little nervous. Once in our room, we would take our clothes off. We would hug and kiss reasonably briefly, and with a little sexual touch, I would be quite aroused.
G would relax as my cock entered her and we would have a gentle, warm fuck. We would then remain nude together for hours, soothing and touching each other sensually and sexually. Sometimes we might have intercourse one other time. At other times it might be another three or even four times.
The wonder of the time together was not “the score”. It was incredible to be on a sexual and sensual high for hours with my lover, oblivious to the outside world, to time and to anyone or anything else.
Now I had arrived twelve years after our relationship had begun. Things didn’t seem any different, but then my cock remained soft. It would not harden. I wasn’t intoxicated, nervous, sleep deprived or similar. G accepted my “failure”, but I was far from at peace.
Previous failures had always had a clear cause and weren’t troubling. This was different. For the rest of our weekend together, there was no pressure put upon me, but I was unsettled. When we came to bed or remained in bed, what had come so naturally was suddenly gone.
Erectile dysfunction is very isolating for us men. While I knew that there were others with similar issues, they weren’t easy to find. My primary care doctor seemed uncomfortable when I approached him about my issue.
The specialist he referred me to gave me samples of the three available types of pills and I began using Viagra. Over time it became less and less effective. I still had some erections, but it was getting more and more difficult to have intercourse and it became less and less frequent.
Much later on I tried trimix, where I injected my cock with medication, and several times it worked well, but that was abandoned after its limited success.
Today, 21 years later, I feel sexual, though having a sex life isn’t easy for me. I don’t have to worry about arousal in inappropriate situations. I don’t wake up with “piss hardons”.
It remains bizarre to feel disconnected from my cock, unless it is being touched by me or my partner. I may sense that there is a little firmness, and there is none, whatsoever.
Reading porn sometimes helps me get my “mini-erection”, but at other times repeated stimulation has little result. As I’ve recently gotten into incredible physical shape, I feel more hardness at times. I wonder, though if I’m deceiving myself and nothing is different.
I can touch my love and feel really turned on by her lush softness. Feeling turned on doesn’t mean (anymore) that my cock is hard or hardening.
I still love sex! It feels wonderful to be engaged and deeply connected with my partner. It is incredible to touch her sensually and sexually. I love the wonder of her body. It is incredible to stimulate her and feel her get short of breath and very excited.
It is also wonderful to lie with my eyes closed and feel her touch me. The most wondrous feelings come with feeling teased and “tortured”. A feather may cause me to shiver and be on edge.
It is much more exciting to feel my cock lightly and briefly touched and then have her hand removed, than to have her try to turn me on with one or both hands.
The wonders of sex sometimes result in my cock “responding” in its own way. At other times the feelings are totally in my head. In the shower as I read, my cock generally responds and builds towards a possible orgasm. It takes much effort. Sometimes I come and sometimes I reach a space close to an orgasm and greatly enjoy the tension of the moment.
It is good to feel my cock come alive. It makes me sad to recognize that I will probably never be able to fuck another woman as I used to take for granted. I love giving and receiving oral sex. I love the taste of soft pussy. I love the feeling of my fingers getting wet, as my love is stimulated.
Life is good! Erectile dysfunction is a hindrance. I refuse, though, to let it ruin my life. I do not desire the cute young “things” I see oft times. I do desire the sexiness of my partner. I wish that more men with erectile dysfunction would not equate sexual intercourse with their entire ego. Simple affection is important. Being connected however one can be is important.
Loving and caring for my partner and myself is very important to me. I try and do my best. It isn’t easy, but it can be rewarding much of the time.
I wish all of you luck! I hope that you won’t face what I face. If you do, I hope that you will learn to accept that which you can’t control and do the best that you can.
Thanks!
