After a loan applicant of mine committed suicide before signing her loan agreement, Templewood Bank transferred me for a few weeks to sub – prime Auto, which was a pain in the ass because in sub – prime it’s a lot harder to make your quota and collect your bonus. Many of the applicants in sub – prime haven’t worked regularly in years, their bodies are too old to collateralize and most of them are there in the first place because they just totaled their last ride. Templewood offers a car loan package that includes basic collision coverage for the duration of the loan. It’s popular with the kind of people who probably shouldn’t be driving in the first place.

I was just getting my feet wet on Auto when I got Peggy’s loan application on my desk. Her credit score was so – so: six weeks from 30, seven extra pounds, a mediocre sexuality rating from her ex – husband and too pasty for an all – over tan. A few crow’s feet, too. But I saw some things I liked in her credit report picture. Blonde. Big breasts and big hair. Genuine – looking smile. She looked clean, too, in her pale blue blouse and white skirt. She had kind of a knowing expression on her face, which was good, because almost – thirty doesn’t convincingly do innocent, and it wasn’t the look of a woman who was outright trolling. A credit report never captures these intangibles. I don’t put a lot of faith in sexuality evals from exes. You never know how much of a downrating might be just ‘cuz some guys hold a grudge. I could always send her back to the agency for an independent sexuality assessment (at her expense of course).

I pull out all the stops on charm during a new loan applicant’s first visit, ‘cuz I want her relaxed and not nervous. So I smiled, made eye contact, shook hands and pulled out her chair. She seemed to respond ok, although she clutched her purse in her lap. I liked it that she was dressed the same way as in her credit report. It was a good look for her. I thought if she just loosened up a little I could get her a good interest rate, and maybe even boost her cap.

“So, why are you in the market for a new car?” I asked her.

“I’ve had my Honda six years now and it’s twelve years old. The transmission needs an overhaul, the brakes are going bad and now I need two head gaskets replaced. It’s just not worth it to keep spending repair money on a car with some body damage and an undercarriage dusting out. ”

Ok, so far so good. “I see here on your credit report that you kicked back sexual favors to your employer. Are you still required to do that?”

“No, my employment contract only called for three months – one month each for the owner, my direct boss and the HR manager. ”

“This was last year?”

“Yes. I’m about to apply for a promotion, but I haven’t yet. ”

“Have you read your free credit report?”

“Of course. ”

“The you know it gives you a weak sexuality evaluation. ”

“That’s my ex – husband, damn him! He hated it that I wouldn’t do scat and piss sessions, with him pissing and shitting on my face!”

“Well, it might help if you can get your boss, the HR guy and the owner to fill out fresh sexuality evals for you. ”

“What about my boyfriend?”

“Ratings by partners with no emotional attachment are more objective. We prefer them when we can get them. Also, you can pay the credit bureau a hundred dollars to get an independent evaluation. By law, that has to be averaged in. ”

“I have to pay for that?”

“For a stranger to rate your sexual performance? Yes, that’s part of what makes the independent ratings objective. A woman close to thirty can’t rely on a rating from a person in a committed relationship to raise her score enough. The independent evaluators are 20 and under, so their judgements are reliable, but you can’t expect them to just donate their time, can you? Get those ratings from your employers. I’ll give you the forms at no charge. Be sure you see the credit bureau too, though. The more information the better. ”

“Okay. How much of a loan do you think I can qualify for?”

“If you can get some additional positive sexuality ratings in your folder, I could approve $35, 000 at seven percent. Think about signing the ‘Consent to Abuse’ form. With it, I could cut your interest rate to six percent. Now, of course if you meet the monthly payments in cash, you won’t have to use your collateral. But our Erotics Department is always available to help you. If you work hard and don’t make trouble, you’ll never have to worry about a repo. ”

“What happens if I do get my car repossessed?”

“That need never happen. Women in your age bracket can get two hundred, two – fifty an hour with ‘Consent to Abuse’ signed. ”

Well, reader, Peggy was able to get some good sexuality evals from her boss and the other guys at work. Her independent assessment came in at 459 points and would have been higher except for some cellulite in her ass. She didn’t lose points for lack of enthusiasm or a too – loose vagina. She had to think hard before signing ‘Consent to Abuse’, which was a bit backward of her (nobody likes a resistant woman), but I gave her a slightly better deal than the computer suggested: $37, 500 at six percent.

Peggy made about half of her repayments in cash and half through Erotics. Things didn’t go quite perfectly, though. She fell a bit behind after Christmas one year, so her Repayment Officer evoked clause E – 4 of the Consent to Abuse. He sold three hours of her time to a fetishist. A Level Two late fee isn’t supposed to involve mutilation, but the customer got a little crazy and she wound up with burn scars on her nipples. It wasn’t all bad. The guy was fined $2000 and Peggy got to apply a third of that to her repayment. Templeton Bank also paid 50% of her medical costs.

I felt kind of sorry for her, so I purchased a block of her hours and went easy on her, just p. I. v. and some light whipping.

I met my quota and made my bonus that year, and eventually I made it back to School Loans. I’ll always be grateful that Templeton Bank has given me the opportunity to help so many deserving people.