It was raining, well it always was in Yorkshire in the 1920s. Sleet maybe, freezing rain.
I was working in the office at Hartley Main pit tallying up the miners tally sheets when gaffer turns up.
“Ee Johnno, it’s parky out there,” gaffer says, as he comes in dripping all over the polished floorboards.
“Aye gaffer,” I agreed, “Makes folk burn more coal and that’s good int’it.”
“Aye,” he agrees, “Has thee got the first aid certificates?” he asked.
“First aid yes,” yes I agreed, “Not a doctor. Why has number three shaft caved in again.”
“No,” he says firmly, “Nowt like that.”
“Good because stuff like amputating arms or even taking out appendices is beyond me,” I reminded him.
“Mithering about Eddie Fawkes again,” he said, “Tha could have had his arm off and let us get on but no thee had to try and save it and cost us half a shift production, and his arm’s still bloody useless, he’ll not play Trombone again.”
“Well I’m not a doctor,” I insisted.
“No well perhaps not but thees’s on salary and doctor’s not so I has a job for thee,” he says.
“And what might that be?” I asked.
“Secret mind, Hypocritical Oaf and all that,” he adds.
“Safe with me,” I says, “What’s up with thee?”
“Not me you cheeky Wazzock,” he says, “Elsie me daughter, she got a sore cunt.”
“What, you need a gynie cologoist,” I insisted.
“I ent paying fancy prices,” He says, “I want’s you to have a look and if it’s bad I’ll get a proper doctor, now think on, jobs ent easy to come by especially cushy ones in a nice warm , dry, office.”
“Fair enough,” I says, “When shall I see her?”
He pops his head out of door and bellows “Elsie.”
Half a minute later she rushed in like a drowned rat, her wide brimmed hat and brown raincoat dripping water everywhere.
“Here she is apple of me eye,” he says.
“Look there’s nowt wrong that a course of Dr Pepards patent cordial won’t put right.” She insisted.
“She’s got a sore cunt, she keeps rubbing it it’s embarrassing,” he says, “Have a look lad see what what.”
“I suppose we should go somewhere private?” I suggested
“Sod that, I ent having you giving her one on the sly,” Gaffer says.
“Oh sod off father,” Elsie says and she messed up all me tally sheets and made a space so she could sit on my desk.
She hauled down her canvass pants and sat there with her legs wide so I could see up her twat.
I had a look but it was dark under her skirt, “Anyone got a lamp?”
“Course I bloody haven’t,” he snapped, “Strike a match.”
“What we could blow the office up if she farts,” I explained.
“Lie back and lift thee skirts let the lad have a look see,” Gaffer said
She did as bid and I had a look, “Can you hold the lips apart I can’t see,” I suggested
She did as I said and could see her maidenhead was long gone, a great cavern yawned, I was quite surprised she didn’t have any pit props down it it yawned so wide.”
“Bleeding hell that’s one hell of a rash,” I said, “Who’s thee been fucking cause that looks like clap to me not that I’m and expert, or maybe Nettle rash?”
“I ent fucked no one,” she whined.
“You sure,” Gaffer said,
“No, nobody,” she protested.
“You ent had a Donkey or Dog or summat has thee?” Gaffer asked, “There was a tart down Abattoir road used to fuck a Donkey round behind the Dog and Duck when she’s had a few.”
“No father, not a Donkey or an eel or snake or anything else except,” she paused.
“Yes?” Gaffer and I asked together.
“Me Carrot, or a little Marrow.” she admitted.
“Me Dad used to get a rash off of Marrows,” I remembered
“Your dad,” Gaffer asked “What’s that got to do with price of fish?”
“Made his hands bad,” I said,” Might be the same.”
“Hear that our Elsie stop wanking with Marrows and see if it clears up,” Gaffer says
“‘ent you got no ointment nor nothing, it itches like hell,” Elsie said and she stuck three fingers up herself to get some relief.
I said I’d find some and went down the stores, best I could find was Calomine lotion and some stuff we used on burns.
I brought them back and with her still on the desk I started to rub some burn soothe on her rash.
“Ooh that’s nice,” she said, “Bit further in,” she said,
I did as she said, “Do you like wanking me?” she said.
“Damn it I’m just rubbing in some ointment,” I said.
“Taking advantage I’d say,” Gaffer announced, “I reckon if I wasn’t here he’d give thee one our Elsie.
“Yes,” Elsie agreed, “He’s definitely got the horn.”
“I’m just doing as I was bid,” I insisted.
“He wants to stick it up me father,” she said, “I reckon if you wasn’t here he’d do me.”
“I’ll wish thee good afternoon then,” Gaffer said and off he went.
“So do you want to do it?” Elsie asked.
“Well I’m a bloke ent I,” I admitted.
“So get thee dick out and do me!” she suggested.
Well it didn’t take half a minute to drop me trews and me dick was about as huge as it had ever been and her legs was spread, her twat was dripping and me dick slid in like a shovel through Hartly Main medium cobbles.
“Mmm that’s nice,” she said, “Me dad said I ought to get a bloke if wanking was giving me a rash.”
“Put up job was it?” I asked.
“Well you aren’t complaining,” she suggested.
“No, not at all,” I agreed, “Why me?”
“Only bloke in pit with clean hands" she laughed. “And my Dads paying you so that makes you a Giglo,”
“Nicd work if you can get it,” I says, “Elsie.”
“What?” she answers
“I’m going to shoot me load,” I warned.
“Go on then, never had a load shot up me afore,” she admitted and then it hit, wallop right in the neck of her womb.
“Oh fuck that’s good!” she admitted, “Crikey that’s better than wanking, how’d it suit you?”
“Champion” I agreed.
“Good, I’ll let thee know when I needs it again,” she expained as I slid my dick out of her.
“Er well see, if we keeps on thee could get up the duff and well like see,” I continued
“See what?” she said.
“Well I was thinking see I thought I could get a brass dick cast for thee,” I suggested, “Keep it polished and that shouldn’t give thee a rash.”
“Yes, make it hollow so as I can fill it with hot water,” she said “Or it would be a bit cold in winter,”
“Yes,” I agreed.
“Well think on, brass castings cost money and fucking don’t so get that idea out your mind quick smart, and don’t go fucking no one else of I’ll have your dick stuffed and mounted and use that to wank with.” She wasn’t the sort of bint to mess around weren’t Elsie
“Father!” she shouted, “Home time.”
Gaffer had been lurking outside all the time, “Right best get on wi thee work,” he ordered and he took Elsie home.
I got stuck in and finished up about sevenish when I should have finished at Six, I had to skip me tea and go straight to Bandroom for practice as we was in the West Yorkshire Brass Band Championship 3rd section finals at Leeds that Easter.
Bloody gaffer was at ours when I got home, Gaffer had told me Mam and Dad as I wasn’t to shag anyone apart from his Elsie.
Poor Sheila from next door was there, “But I thought John was going to court me.”
“Not while he’s giving our Elsie one,” Gaffer says, “Anyway thee’s a comely maid, getting a bloke shouldn’t be hard, I’d give thee one.”
“Really!” says Sheila, “I always wanted to be some bosses bit on the side!”
Bloody hell,” I thought, “What price loyalty.”
“And what about your Missus Gaffer?” I asked.
“Her’d be glad to be left alone,” Gaffer says, “Drop thee knickers then lass see if we’re compatible like,”
Mam was not happy as gaffer made space on the Dining table and hoisted Sheila onto it, she never had no knickers on anyway and in a trice Gaffer had his modest dick out from under his fat belly and shoved it up Sheila’s chuff.
This were all very well but I hadn’t had any grub since dinner and I was bloody famished.
“What about me bloody supper,” I asked.
“Sod off up my place and get cook to get thee summat,” Gaffer says, “ Elsie probably needs another seeing to by now.”
“Fair enough Gaffer,” I says and I had a lovely meat pie for supper and Elsie for afters but that’s another story.
