I started masturbating at the age of nine, and ever since I can remember, I have had dark and uncontrollable fantasies. I remember that the bathroom was my favoutire place... experimenting with shampoo bottles, needles, hot water and the likes.
I've always had lots of fantasy, and my imagination was forever building air castles. However, as I grew older, during adolescence, my mind started roaming decidedly darker areas. They did not start out as sexual fantasies, mereley as an unrefrainable need for actions violent and brutal in nature. I took my own virginity at an early age, by inserting one of those already-mentioned bottles into my vagina. The pain was probably quite intense, I cannot remember the details, but fact is that ever since I've had a ''craving'' for pain. I like being hurt, it arouses me. I wanted to be tortured, bandaged, blindfolded, raped, humiliated and abused by a man. Or by several men.
Every time I spun out a story in my head, usually about submission to a man, I got incredibly aroused, and would run off to the privacy of the bathroom to satisfy my needs. Countless were the stories I invented, with me in the role of the submissive slave girl, abused and used for the sexual satisfaction of my master. Countless too, the times I masturbated, teasing my clitoris and nipples with a needle, even drawing blood at times. Or the times I experimented with bondage, tying my breasts until they turned blue. Or letting drops of hot water drop onto my sensitive points... this brought me to the brink of orgsam every time, and was an infallible method. When I got the chance to be alone in the swimming pool, I stimulated my clitoris by letting the water jets or a hosepipe spurt against it. I also liked to let the waterstream flow into my vagina, the feeling of fullness it created was a big turn-on.
When I was seventeen, I was going through a slightly calmer stage, not masturbating quite as often, but still I had plenty perverted fantasies.
I started being interested in the Internet, chatting sometimes, and of course getting requests for virtual sex. I tried it once, was bored, and from then on declined every time I was asked.
At some point I was using the then still-existant Napster to download music, and I got talking with a user from whom I had downloaded a song. At first we were friendly with each other, this for me being a casual online friendship like hundreds of others I'd had.
However, soon our conversations started to become sexually connotated. I told the man that I was a virgin, and we talked about our respective fantasies. Never once did I mention my liking for perversions, I was ashamed to be ridiculed.
One day we somehow got onto the subject of anal sex. I said that the idea of having my anus penetrated turned me on. He seemed almost unbelieving, asked me again, and then changed the subject. I had only recently started to think of anal sex as a turn on, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. It for me was the ultimate act of submission and humiliation to have a man take me in this way, like an animal.
We had online sex several times, but never reverting to the stuff that fuelled my fantasies. He would tell me what to do, how to touch myself, and I would respond, pretending to be doing what he told me to, but in reality not doing anything.
One day we made an appointment for a few days later, to meet online. He said he had something special in mind for me. On asking what it was, I got told that he wanted me to take my virginity with him. Of course he did not know that I was by no means a virgin anymore, but it did not occur to me to tell him that. He told me to be prepared, bring cream as means of lubrification, since he didn't want my first time to hurt, and a cucumber, as long as possible, and with as big a diameter as possible.
First I considered lying to him about my actions as I had so far always done, but then I decided against it. I thought: ''I'll try to make it more pleasurable for me, I'll do exactly what he tells me..." Fact was that if I thought about it well, the idea of doing exactly what he told me, with no possibility of making any decisions on my own, was quite exciting...
And I decided to aqcuire a webcam, to demonstrate that I really was doing what he said... and of course it was an idea that really turned me one. He would be able to see every last thing I did.
On the hour of the appointment, I was ready, with body cream and an enormous monster of a cucumber with an 8-centimetre diameter. I was not scared, I'd forced larger objects into myself before.
''Unzip your pants. Take them off. Do exactly as I tell you to. You need not respond, just relax, and do as I say.
Put your legs up un the desk and open them wide.''
I loved the way he was talking to me, commanding me, treating me like a mindless slave.
He started lapsing into obscene language.
''Start fingering your clit, stimulate your pussy. Insert 2 fingers. Not very deep, just enough to make you horny.''
I did just that.
''Start rubbing your clitoris with circular movements, stimulate yourself.
Now take the lubricant, the cream, the oil or vaseline, whatever it is that you have, and start spreading it onto your wide-open pussy. Inside and out. I know that you just love that, touching yourself like the little slut you are.''
I loved being degraded like that, being called a slut was making me wetter than ever before...
''Now put a condom on the cucumber. Smear the lube onto it. Plenty of it. We don't want your first time to hurt now, do we?''
I did not have a condom, I just spread the cream directly onto the still fridge-cold skin of the cucumber.
''Open your legs as wide as possible. Wider still. Show off your pussy to the world. Yes that's it! Good girl! Now put the point of the cucumber against your pussyhole. I want this to be quick. I shall count to three, and then you will push the cucumber into yourself with all your force. With a single stab, is that understood?
1...
2...
3...''
I pushed the cucumer into my vagina, past the swollen vaginal lips, as deep as I could, until it hit sensitive ground. I pulled it out again immediately. Incredibly, there was blood... it had not hurt very much.
''Tell me what to do'', I wrote.
''I have finished with you, whore. I wanted to take your virginity, and I've done exactly that. You can clean yourself up.''
'Nooo....'' I whined, '' how can you do this to me?? I'm as horny like you can't believe it. I want more of you. Tell me what to do. I beg you... take me, I'm all yours. I want to be your slave, command me what to do, I'll do everything you ask, just please don't leave me now, I need a man, a cock, someone to take me!''
I felt incredible... actually pleading the man to shag me. I got hornier by the second, thinking of what he must be thinking of me.
It was obviously the response he had hoped for, and he liked it, it wasn't hard to tell.
''What a slut you are, you little bitch. Do what I tell you to do.
I want to take your ass's virginity. A whore can't have a virgin ass. Put your legs high up on the desk. I want your ass to be easily accessible.''
By now I was starting to get scared. The way he treated me scared me, and I was scared of what he might force me to do.
''Smear the lube on your fingers too. Stick one finger up your ass'
I forced myself to do as he said. The finger up my anus did not hurt, but it was a strange sensation, and I felt incredibly dirty, as if I were doing something evil and forbidden. Of course I liked feeling like that, I loved feeling like a whore...
''Wriggle your finger around on the inside, move it, feel the insides of your ass. I know you're loving every second of it.
Now insert a second finger.
And a third one.
Ohhh... I can't believe it... you're actually doing it... you slut! Sitting there with three fingers up your ass! Take them out! Now!''
I was reluctant to pull my fingers out. I liked leaving them in there, feeling the soft, warm walls of my anus. But I did as he said.
''Now lick off your fingers. Stick them into your mouth.''
I couldn't believe it... ''No, I can't, I can't bring myself to do that... That's disgusting... Please don't make me do it! I beg you!''
''Shut up bitch'', he responded coldly. ''You'd better do what I tell you, if you don't, I might just think of some other perverted little game... and then you'd be grateful to stick only those fingers into you mouth.''
I did as I was told. The fingers were not dirty, but tasting them with my tongue, I noticed a peculiar taste about them. I closed my eyes and licked all three fingers, until the strange taste was gone. He must have watched me intently all the time, savouring every single moment of it.
I just loved being forced to do things against my inclination. I still love being forced to do actions that degrade me. Tension was mounting, I'd never felt so horny before in my life. If I could have, I would have just stimulated my clitoris to make myself cum. I needed to orgasm...
But I could not, I had to obey that perverted man's orders...
''You little slut! I know that you're going to enjoy what I have in store for you now. I want to tear your shithole open, rape your ass...
Go down on your haunches. First lube your ass and the cucumber, then place the cucumber in front of you, with the condom-end sticking up. Move over the cucumber and place its point on your asshole. Ohhh... I just love looking at that little brown hole...''
I shuddered. And thought quickly... Was it possible? He couldn't want me to insert that huge cucumber up my anus?!? Three fingers had seemed the absoulute maximum to me. Should I trust him on this one? What if I hurt myself? It might actually be dangerous... what if I got a tear down there..? I might even need surgery... I didn't think I should do it.
But then I gave up... I just could not help myself... I wanted to do every last thing he told me to do. And fact is, I love the idea of doing something risky, something never done before. And I decided to do it. I placed the tip of the vegetable against the tense muscles of my anus.
''Start pushing down with your ass, make that cucumber go in, and split open your tight little asshole.''
I felt like I had never felt before...completely at the mercy of a man and his perversions. In the hands of someone who only cared about getting off at my expense. And I loved it.
I started doing as he had said...
I slowly pushed down on the cucumber. The pushing sensation before it enters you is the best part... I love the feeling of an object pushing against that tight ring of muscle, wanting to force itself into my most private area, wanting to violate me and humiliate me to pleasure a man.
When finally the muscle gave way, I felt a sudden, very sharp, very intense pain that seemed to spread from my anus all the way to my toes.
And then I was in heaven. As I descended onto the cucumber, I felt its not completely smooth skin rubbing the sensitive inside walls of my anus. It felt oddly heavy, almost alive, as its still cold temperature created a wonderful feeling inside my anus.
I experienced the most incredible sensation, as, pushing down, the cucumber grew ever wider. I loved the way it seemed to expand, open up my butthole more and more, the feeling of helplessness that goes with it... not being able to control the muscles of the anus anymore. The muscles stretched, my ass opened up to the invader.
I cannot even remember what else the man told me to do. I kew what I wanted, and I did it.
I moved up and down on the cucumber until I felt my ass burning with the heat of friction. The pain was not as intense as in the beginning, but it was incredibly stimulating to me.
I changed position, went down on my hands and knees, and holding the cucumber in one hand, started fucking myself up the ass. Movement got easier and easier. I took the whole cucumber out, and put all of it in again. All out, all in... quicker and quicker. Using more and more force. It hurt every time the tip of the cucumber pounded against my asshole, wanting to force its way in yet again. But it was this continuous in and out that opend me up completely. My shithole was not a tight little hole anymore, it was large and pink, the muscle ring seemed to have disappeared, there was only a mass of mucusy, pink flesh. I occasionally touched it, in between, and the feel of that soft, misused flesh made me tremble with anticipation. I wanted to cum, experience my first anal orgasm...
I pounded away at my ass, harder and harder, pushing it all in, up to the limit, where it hit a sensitive spot, and seemed to be touching my spine. Hitting it against this spot again and again, I orgasmed, intensley, as I never had before.
I knew that I wasn't going to keep this kind of experience to the virtual world... I wanted to do this again, but this time for real... and I would, soon enough...
