Chapter 15
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I woke up to Jessica's voice softly calling my name.
"Steven." she said, her hand against my cheek.
I sat up quickly, causing her to jump back in surprise. It was completely dark in the room. I was still lying on the bed, in my clothes.
"What?" I asked groggily.
She didn't say anything, but just reached out to take my hand. I silently followed her lead. She pulled me off the bed and walked me out the door and back over to her room.
After closing the door behind us, she turned to me and started taking off her t-shirt. She'd said my name earlier, I realised. And she wasn't waiting for permission to undress.
"I want you to... make love to me." she said softly. "I want to know what it's like..."
She kicked off her panties and stood naked in front of me. I was still dazed from just waking up, but there was something so surreal about all of this. This was Jessica, my childhood nemesis, the woman I thought I'd hate my entire life... and she was standing naked, pure, flawless skin glowing with moonlight, and with a strangely dreamlike and almost ethereal beauty.
When I didn't respond, she broke another rule by stepping forward and pressing her lips against mine. The heat of her kiss brought my mind back to life, and I reacted with my usual instinct. I reached behind her and kissed her hard, pulling her body close to mine.
"No." she said, pushing herself away from me. "Gently... please."
I took a step back from her.
"I need to know what... what it would feel like if you cared about me." she said.
She looked up at me with such vulnerable, wide eyes that I felt my heart twist inside my chest. She looked like the world was about to end.
"Please," she whispered, stepping close to me again, "Just... just pretend like you care."
She pressed her body against mine, and slowly kissed my closed lips.
I wasn't sure how to respond to this. I didn't feel sure of myself. When I was dominating her, I could do anything I wanted... but now she needed something I wasn't sure I could give her.
I gently returned her kiss, and put my arms around her, slowly pressing her warm, naked body to mine. I felt her fingers sliding under my t-shirt and she started to pull it up. I stood back and let her undress me. She dropped my t-shirt to the floor and pressed her hands against my bare chest. I kissed her again, trying to figure out how to be passionate without being forceful.
She whimpered into my mouth, and my body stiffened. I wanted to attack her, to dominate her. I slid my arms around her again, and held myself back. She broke the kiss and pressed her forehead against my shoulder, before looking up to kiss along my jaw. Again, my fingers were twitching with the desire to dig into her flesh, to hurt her and control her.
But I resisted.
I slowly pulled off my jeans as she walked to her bed and slid under the covers. This time she didn't kick them off, didn't show herself off to me. I got into bed with her, and lay over her, and she stared silently up at me.
I'd been in this position many times before, but now I wasn't sure what to do. She reached down and gently gripped my swollen cock with her soft, warm hand, and lined the head up with her hot pussy lips.
"Slowly." she whispered.
I kissed her and pushed forward with my hips, gently entering her. She let out a whimper of anticipation, and again I had to stop myself from losing control. I loved the sounds she made, and each one just made me want to take her.
We kept our foreheads pressed together as I filled her, achingly slowly. She continued to let out gasping little moans as I filled her. Was I hurting her? Was I too big for this? I didn't know. It was too dark to see her face properly, and I wished I could see her eyes.
"That's it." she whispered, "Just like that."
I before entering her completely, I drew back again, then pushed forward, falling into a slow rhythm.
"Yesss..." she sighed.
I could do this.
I remembered what she'd done the last time we were together, when I'd ordered her to ride me. She liked a few quick, short thrusts followed by one or two long strokes. I copied this technique, thrusting rapidly in and out before filling her completely.
She moaned with appreciation, her voice shaking.
I growled with lust, but again held myself back from being too violent. I kept up the same technique, just watching her. Slowly, I felt the need to attack her fade away. I leaned forward and drew her into a deep and soulful kiss.
She pulled back and whispered into my ear.
"I'm going to cum."
She wasn't asking for permission, she wasn't panicked or afraid. She just whispered it to me softly, like sharing a secret.
Her legs gripped tightly around my hips, and she buried her head into my shoulder. She barely made a sound, just breathed heavily as the pleasure shook her body.
I slowed down, letting her rest. I wanted to keep going, to see her cum again and again. Did I really need more than this? More than her body, her love for me? Did I really need the pain, the domination?
After a few minutes of slow, measured thrusting, I filled her again making her jump and gasp. Despite all we'd done so far, I was still pretty inexperienced with actual sex. I felt like I was learning new ways to move my hips, watching her reactions and trying to create the same sounds, the same expressions of ecstasy on her gorgeous, although barely visible face.
I reached over and flicked on the lamp, wanting to see her better. She opened her eyes to stare up at me, and it seemed to take us both by surprise. She smiled at me, and I felt myself return it. We kissed each other, and I thrust into her more vigorously.
It was my turn to gasp when I felt her already tight channel grip and flex around my hard cock. She smiled at my reaction, then furrowed her brow in concentration as she did it again. I'd forgotten about this, her exercises that were supposed to keep her tight for me. I held her close to me as my hips guided her through another strong orgasm, her fingers shaking as they tried to grip against my shoulders.
I laughed at the cute little quirk, remembering how I'd used it to punish her earlier. She smiled again, biting her lip. She slid her hands up behind my head and tugged lightly on my hair.
I coaxed her through one more orgasm, and then she slowed things down. She gently pushed my chest, leading me off her. I thought she just wanted me to move, but she raised her legs up in front of her and pushed at my hips with her toes. I smiled at the oddly cute gesture, and got the hint. I pulled out of her, and waited.
She stared up at me, breathing heavily. She swept her hair back, and relaxed.
"Ok." she said, "Now fuck me."
I frowned. Now she wanted it rough?
"Jessica..." I said.
"No." she interrupted. "Don't talk. Just... use me."
She quickly rose up to her knees and hugged me, staring into my eyes.
"I want it to hurt." she said.
I had literally just got used to being gentle with her, and now she wanted me to be violent again? She seemed to vulnerable for this. I kissed her, softly at first.
"No." she sighed, pulling away. "Not like that."
She suddenly slapped me hard, the pain exploding across my cheek. I growled and reacted instinctively, lashing out and grabbing her by the throat. She grabbed my wrist with both hands and squeezed it hard, as if challenging me.
I let her go, and took a deep, slow breath. In an instant, the warm glow of affection I'd felt darkened and turned back into malice. How dare she slap me.
If she wanted it rough, that's what she'd get.
"On your knees." I growled, barely holding back my anger.
She obeyed quickly, spinning around to face the head board, presenting her pussy to me. I grabbed her hair and forced her face into the pillows. I wasted no time sliding my thick cock into her, forcefully filling her to the hilt. She gasped with pleasure, and I slapped her bare back hard.
Her ass was still bruised, and I wasn't sure if she could take more pain there, but my cheek twinged with the pain of her slap, and I reconsidered. I pinched her ass cheeks hard as I continued to thrust into her, fucking her fast and hard.
She tried to speak, but I was barely listening. I pulled her head up by her hair.
"What." I said, without inflection.
"I need... I'm going to..." she panted.
"Come if you want." I said.
She moaned with pleasure as I forced her back down, putting pressure against the side of her head to keep her pinned. After only a few seconds she came making wild, guttural grunts and groans.
"That's it, slut." I growled, "Fucking cum for me."
I lost myself in the rhythm of fucking her. This was what I'd wanted to do earlier, at the table, just pound into her all I wanted without having to worry about anything else. Just violently using her, knowing she was loving it as much as I was.
I forced her through another two strong, screaming orgasms before I allowed myself to cum.
I pulled my softening cock out of her, making her coo and whimper. I released her hair and lay down beside her.
It had been a long, confusing, tiring day. Allowing myself that final release calmed me down a little, but I still had to hear what she was thinking. What she would decide.
She immediately turned around and draped herself over my body, wrapping her arms around my neck.
"This is what I want." she whispered, clinging to me.
"It is?" I answered gently.
"It feels right." she said, resting her cheek against my chest. "Belonging to you. Being yours. It's better like this."
I slid my hand up into her hair and held her close to me.
"I never wanted to be a slut." she whispered, tearing up. "I remember my dad calling my mom a slut, and I never wanted that to be me."
Bob said that to Alice? The thought was so jarring.
"I was like 11." she confessed, quickly, desperately, "I walked out to the stairs in the middle of the night and I could hear them arguing. I think it was because it was the first time she cheated on him. He called her a disgusting slut. I'd never heard him like that. So full of... hatred. So much contempt."
I didn't want to interrupt her. She sounded like she needed to get this off her chest.
"They argued so much in the next few months. He cheated on her, for revenge I think, then it was her turn again. It was awful. I'd listen to them every time they argued, and cry myself to sleep afterwards, just praying they wouldn't get a divorce."
She paused to sob bitterly, and I instinctively pulled her closer to me, hugging her tight against my body.
"I remember talking to her." she said, "My mom. She'd been drinking... not a lot. I never saw her really drunk, but she'd definitely had a glass or two. She pulled me on to her lap and told me I was so lucky, because I was such a pretty little thing. I was so beautiful, I'd grow up into a beautiful woman like her, and then all I'd have to do was find a nice handsome man with a good job to look after me. I just remembered thinking... that's exactly what she'd done. That's all my dad was to her; a nice face and a steady pay check.
I promised myself I would never end up like her. I'd never end up just some slut for some random guy, just using him for money. That's when I decided to get a job I could be proud of. That's why I work so hard at school, why I want to be a lawyer... I don't want to end up like her."
She stopped to take a few breaths. I couldn't believe she was talking about the same two people that had practically helped raise me. They'd always seemed so in love with each other. But then, maybe they were. Love's anything but simple, I knew that even then.
"I avoided sex for so long." she continued, "I didn't like talking about, thinking about it, I certainly never wanted to try it. While your sister and all my other friends were out kissing boys and having fun, I just stayed in and studied for tests. I hated being so pretty... but at the same time, I liked it. I never understood it... I hated the idea of anyone touching me, but all I wanted was for boys to look at me, to see how sexy I was. It's always been so confusing.
Mike was... just inevitable, I suppose. I was sick of being different, of being a freak. Jessica the prude, the cock tease, the "go on three dates without even a kiss" girl. I picked Mike because he was popular, and handsome, and all I wanted was to be normal. But I never felt anything from him. He didn't even turn me on. After my first time with him, I almost cried. I just thought... this is sex? This was what I'd been isolating myself from, and feeling like a freak because of?
And then... someone told me that size might be the problem. I saw yours, how different you were from Mike, and suddenly I was obsessed with the though. That's it, I thought. That's what'll make me feel normal."
She looked up at me.
"But you're right!" she breathed, "I was interested in you because of your size, but it was the way you treated me that turned me on. The confidence that I thought you'd never have... the sheer nerve to turn away a girl as beautiful as me..."
She laughed bitterly, as if at her own vanity.
"And then you called me a slut. I'd never really been aroused like that. I was so excited, I was finally feeling what all the other girls seemed to love so much... and then you called me a slut. The one thing I never wanted to be. So I accepted it."
I remembered that, the big hazy smile that had spread over her face when she admitted it to me.
"It felt good... to finally not have to be afraid of it any more. I couldn't be normal without having sex, and I couldn't do what I was doing with you without being the kind of girl I never wanted to be. So I just accepted it. I would be your slut. If it meant I could finally have real sex, I'd do anything. And all the abuse, the insults, the pain... I thought I was just putting up with it, but... but..."
She sobbed again, and squeezed her arms around me.
"But I liked it! I liked the way it made me feel, the... dirtiness, the nastiness... it excited me so much... Kept me up at night thinking about it. Dreaming about it. About you. And as much as I hated it, hated becoming the disgusting slut my mother was, I couldn't stop. I gave all of myself to you, begging for it, being punished without fighting back, even calling you Sir, all just so I could keep feeling that incredible thrill."
She sobbed loudly and desperately pressed herself against me. She pushed her forehead into my chest, but I ran my fingers through her hair and gently lifted her up to me.
"Hey." I whispered, "Hey, it's ok, it's ok..."
"I'm sorry..." she whispered back, "I'm sorry for being so disgusting..."
"Don't say that." I told her, "You're not disgusting..."
"I am, I'm just-"
"Stop it." I told her forcefully, "Don't say it. You're not disgusting... not to me."
I soothed her as she sobbed violently, clinging to me. This lasted a while, and I just kept holding her and talking gently to her.
How could I not have seen this? She'd been through so much pain, so much isolation. Just like me, I realised. She chose to hurt me all those years because she was in pain. If anyone should have noticed that, it was me.
And that stuff with her parents... I'd had no idea about any of it. Suddenly her relentless drive and ambition made more sense to me. She was a beautiful girl from a reasonably well-off background; she probably wouldn't have to work for a living, if she didn't want to. But she chose to dedicate all her free time towards a challenging career just so she could be her own person, and not what she thought her mom ended up as.
Eventually she calmed down, and sagged exhaustedly against me.
"Sir." she said. I was about to answer, but she continued. "Steven. Sir. Steven."
She sighed, as if frustrated.
I lay back on the bed, about ready to collapse. Her body lay comfortably against mine, and she looked up at me in the low light.
"I'm so in love with you." she whispered. "I think that's the hardest part. Despite everything... I love you so much."
I kissed her gently. Everything between us was always so difficult, for the both of us. But it seemed we really wanted this. To be together like this. All the bitterness, the nastiness and anger we hid inside ourselves... we could show it to each other. We were the same.
She smiled as she pulled away, then shook her head, still wiping away tears.
"So... I guess I'm really yours now." she said.
My heart leapt, and I smiled widely.
"Is that right?" I asked, teasingly. "Are you mine?"
"Yesss." she whispered, "I belong to you."
I kissed her on the forehead and lay back. I could've fallen asleep just like that, but there was still more to talk about. It seemed like there always was.
"We still have to talk." I sighed, sitting up again.
She nodded and pulled away.
"Right. This is like... a thing. A relationship." she said.
"We need to really talk about what it means, to belong to me." I said.
"Ok... where do we start?"
"Anywhere you want. What are you thinking about? Or... worried about?"
"Well..." she said, "Right now I guess I'm worried about... those pictures you've been taking..."
"What about them?"
"You said you were going to put them online, and..." she trailed off.
"I said that was a joke." I reminded her, "No one's going to see those."
"Really?" she asked hopefully
I sighed. I'd made yet another fucking mistake.
"Jessica, those pictures are private, and the only person other than me that will ever see them is you." I said firmly.
She seemed surprised. I had to explain this, it was important.
"This doesn't work unless it's what we both want it." I said. "That means that I won't ever threaten you or blackmail you to get you to submit to me."
"But what about the punishments?" she said.
"You can only be punished if you agree to be punished." I said.
"Oh, yeah." she said, as if she'd just remembered. "I guess you do always make me ask for it first. I thought that was just a power thing..."
"It's a consent thing." I said, frowning.
She didn't even understand the basics. My fault again.
"Listen, you obey me because you agreed to. You get punished because you agree to. If I started threatening to show off your pictures, or if I used violence to make you do something you didn't want to... well, it'd be a very different relationship, wouldn't it?" I said.
She paused, thinking over what I'd said.
"Yeah." she said eventually, "It would be different..."
"Ok, so, you have to understand that nothing you can say or do will ever make me show those pictures to anyone. They're private, forever. You have to trust me." I said.
She smiled widely, so suddenly it was startling.
"I trust you." she said, "That much I know. I trust you."
"Why?" I blurted out. "How can you trust me after..."
"Because it could be worse." she said.
I frowned. I opened my mouth to answer, but didn't.
"You could be worse." she said, smiling at my confusion. "You think I don't notice how even when you slap me, you never leave a bruise? I had an argument once with Rose that got a bit heated. She slapped me, and it left a mark for two days!"
She laughed, as if that were a happy memory.
"If I were in your position... If I had power over the person who... who treated me like I treated you... well, I was expecting you to be worse. I expected to wake up after losing my virginity with a black eye and a broken nose."
I frowned at the image, even as my sadistic side wanted me to smile. A more sentimental part of me noticed how she still considered me the one who took her virginity, even though she'd been with Mike.
"Sometimes you look at me like you want to rip me apart..." she continued, "But you hold yourself back, I see it. You take this big, deep breath and calm yourself down. After you fucked me, and I realised you weren't going to... I don't know, cripple me or something, it just made sense to trust you. I'd already given myself to you and turned out ok. If you really like hurting me... and if you really hate me... then even the fact that you haven't done anything to ruin my life is enough for me to trust you."
"That... actually makes sense." I said.
I smiled realising that now I was the one that was confused.
"So you really think you're a... sadist?" she asked suddenly.
She said the word with such disbelief. I felt so horribly exposed.
"Yeah." I said, rolling onto my back to look at the ceiling, "I like hurting you. At first I thought it was just a revenge thing, getting you back for all the shit you put me through over the years..."
"I thought you were just angry with me." she agreed. "I mean... I know I deserve it-"
"But even when I'm not angry I still enjoy it." I explained, cutting her off. "Even when I'm calm, when I can ignore our...our whatever, our past... I still just like hurting you. Or humiliating you... making you cry."
"Why?" she asked.
I didn't have an answer for that.
"I don't know." I said, trying to keep my voice from shaking.
I suddenly felt her hand on my cheek. I looked at her, and she moved into her favourite position, pressing her body against mine. She caressed me gently, and the look on her face made my heart pound. There was so much understanding in her eyes, like she knew how hard this was to admit. It shocked me.
She moved in to kiss me, and I let her. She was so gentle, moving so slowly. I pulled her tight against me and returned her kiss.
She wasn't rejecting me. I was being accepted by her.
I hadn't realised how much this would mean to me, and I felt tears threatening to spring into my eyes. I could tell myself a hundred times that I was fine with being what I was, even that I could enjoy it, but I'd still been holding my breath about what she would think.
This was probably one of the reasons I'd put this conversation off for so long. Better to let her think I'm just an angry asshole than some sort of monster. I smiled, and kissed her again. I pulled away, and she rested her head back against my shoulder. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my chest.
"It's all kind of... kinky, isn't it." she said quietly.
I laughed loudly, breaking the serious and quiet atmosphere. I was bearing my soul to this woman, talking about the most exciting and terrifying self-discovery of my life, and hers too probably. Something that made us fundamentally different, different from other people and from who we thought we were.
I hoped it all stacked up to being a little more than just kinky.
"I guess you could call it that, yeah." I said, still laughing.
I started to stroke her hair again, and she purred with appreciation. She moved her body upwards, laying more of it against me. I was suddenly aware of the weight of her boobs pushing against my body, and tired cock twitched against her leg in response.
She felt it, and looked down with a smile. She reached down to stroke me with her talented fingers, coaxing me towards full erection.
"Now what do you want to do with this?" she asked. "Where's this big, angry cock going to go, Sir."
Without answering, I gently gripped her hips and led her upwards, while she quickly lined us up. She slid herself down onto my thick erection, gasping with pleasure.
After only a minute or so, she was riding me fast. I pulled her into a fevered kiss, and she pushed her tongue into my mouth. I impulsively bit down on it, making her moan with pain. I pulled away from her and attacked her throat, kissing and licking along it. I slid my teeth around it, biting gently, and she squealed with excitement.
"Do you know why your cock makes me feels so good, Sir?" she whispered, increasing her pace, "Do you know why your big cock makes me cum so hard?"
I didn't answer her, I just spanked her badly bruised ass.
She yelped, then sighed with passion.
"Because you own me." she hissed, "You own my body... my pussy... You make my cunt feel so good because you... you own it... AAH!"
She gasped with pain as I bit down on her shoulder. The things she were saying were driving me insane. My orgasm was approaching surprisingly quickly, and I didn't want to hold it back. This wasn't the gentle lovemaking of earlier, nor the violent domination that followed it. This was just two horny teenagers trying to get off as quickly as possible, revelling in our youth and energy.
"Can I...?"
"Yesss." I sighed, "Cum for me, slut."
She obeyed, and I felt her nails dig painfully into my back as her hot channel gripped me tightly, shaking with her orgasm. I let myself join her, pumping my hips upwards as I came.
We held each other tightly as our pleasure shook us.
She made one final whimper of pleasure as my wilting shaft slid out of her. She hummed with satisfaction as she rested against my body. I lay back and relaxed.
"It was so... scary today." she confessed breathlessly.
"When I... punished you?" I panted.
"Yeah." she said, "All that pain. It just... took over my whole body. The orgasm, if that's even what it was, just seemed to go on and on. I couldn't think, or move. It was just everywhere. I think that's why I was so angry when I woke up so...afraid. It was so powerful. I'd been worried about everything for a while, but that was my limit, I guess."
"Some people call it going into 'sub-space'". I told her quietly, "Like, all the endorphins that come in reaction to the pain and submission... they make you high."
"That's kind of cool." she said, smiling. "It sort of felt like I was floating."
"Really?" I laughed.
She nodded.
"I dreamt about you teaching me to swim." she said in a sleepy voice.
I laughed again.
"That's pretty random." I said.
"It's a good memory." she said.
"Memory?"
"You don't remember?" she asked.
I frowned.
"Remember what?"
"You taught me how to swim." she said, yawning. "When we were kids."
"I... I did?"
"You don't remember?" she asked again. "We were in a hotel with a pool, Rose, and you, and me. Rose made fun of me because you guys had swimming lessons but I couldn't swim, so you taught me."
The memory hit me like a ton of bricks. We couldn't have been more than seven or eight. Our families were on vacation together. The sun was so hot, the smell of chlorine...
"You held me on the surface of the water." She said, "You showed me how to float on my back. You just kept saying, 'The water will hold you. You'll float. Don't be afraid. I've got you...'."
She yawned again and stretched slowly.
"That's what I dreamt about. Except it was you like you are now. Just holding me in the water, your voice telling me 'I've got you. Don't be afraid.'"
The memory was suddenly so vivid. I could see her angry, panicked little face whenever she started to flail in the water. I held her in my arms, thinking she was like a pretty princess that I was carrying, glad that the cool, still water was making her so light. I showed her how the water would support her if she just relaxed.
How had I forgotten this?
I felt her relaxing further and sliding her arms around my neck. She was about to fall asleep.
"It wasn't all bad before this." she said quietly, "Between us, I mean. It wasn't all terrible."
I didn't answer her, still shocked. It was like a piece of our history had just been blanked from my mind until right then.
She was soon asleep in my arms, and I was about to follow her.
I smiled, reliving the memory again.
"I guess it wasn't." I said to myself.
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