Howdy folks, my name is Jethro Bodine and I live in a big fancy house in Beverly Hills, Californy, with my Uncle Jed Clampett, my cousin Elly May, and my Granny, whose real name is Daisy Moses.
Now technically, Uncle Jed ain’t really my uncle on account of him and my Ma Pearl Bodine is first cousins, so bein’ if him and my Ma is first cousins, then that means me and Uncle Jed must really be second cousins, but he’s been like a uncle to me my whole born days, so it just feels natural to call him Uncle Jed. Then again, if Uncle Jed is my second cousin, I guess that makes me and Elly May third cousins, but folks don’t go puttin’ too many numbers on that kind of thing out where we come from, so I just call her Elly May.
Come to think of it, I guess Granny and me ain't really related by blood at all, but where we hails from, family is family, so I just call her Granny, ‘cause folks has been callin’ her that longer than I been around myself, and I guess if I called her by anything else she’s likely to whale my butt with that big black skillet of hers, so just to be on the safe side I think I’ll just keep on callin’ her Granny fer the duration.
Now, we ain’t always lived out here in Beverly Hills Californy. Matter of fact we was all raised up in a little town up there in the hills of Arkansas, name of Bug Tussle, but there was this one time when Uncle Jed was out hunting fer his supper, and he done missed a shot. Now old Uncle Jed’s got a pretty straight eye and he don’t miss a shot too often, but when he does he’s ordinarily liable to start into cussin’ real bad. Way he tells it though, he never had no time for cussin' that day, cause when that there bullet drilled into the ground, a whole mess of black stuff started a-bubbling’ up outta the hole it made, and Uncle Jed done realised he’d struck oil on his land.
Well, not long after that, these oil company folks come along, and they told Uncle Jed they wanted to buy his oil off of him. Now, old Uncle Jed must have seen them oil company folks comin’ a long way off, cause not only did he get ‘em to pay him a whole passle of money for some dumb ol’ oil that was just a-layin’ there under the ground and he weren’t even usin’ it, but they even said somethin’ about how they was gonna treat him like royalty, and they was gonna keep on payin’ him fer it long as they was pumpin’ it up outta the ground. Yep, old Uncle Jed, he sure can stitch together a deal.
Another thing about them oil company folks, they don’t pay out in regular dollars like ordinary folks use. They paid Uncle Jed in a special kind of dollars that only rich folks get to have, called, “million dollars,” and last I heard, they’d paid Uncle Jed five hundred of them “million dollars,” and they said there was more where that come from. Thing is, I cain’t tell you which president’s got his face on a million dollar ‘cause I ain’t never seen one yet. I figured Uncle Jed must have been keepin’ ‘em stashed in that big ol’ footlocker at the end of his bed, where he keeps all his personal stuff.
Anyway, not long after those oil company folks was around, this real nice fella called Mr Drysdale come along, and he told Uncle Jed he had a job back in Beverly Hills Californy, mindin’ rich folks money fer ‘em, and he reckoned he’d be only too happy to mind Uncle Jed’s money if he wanted him to. Now, old Uncle Jed said that seemed like a mighty strange callin’ fer a man to take up, but he figured if times was that tough out there in Californy, then a man had to take whatever work he could lay his hand to. He told Mr Drysdale he took his hat off to any man who had that kind of gumption, but he said we needed to have a family meetin’ about it. I was there that day, and Uncle Jed and Granny and Elly and me had a family meetin’ in the kitchen.
Uncle Jed said that this here Beverly Hills Californy must be a mighty poverty struck neck of the woods if’n a man’s got to come all that way askin’ fer work. He said that seein’ as how Providence’s done good by him, it was kind of beholden’ on him to look to the good of his fellow man, so he went out and told Mr Drysdale he’d get him to look after his money fer him when he wasn’t usin’ it. Only catch was, we all had to move on out to Beverly Hills Californy, ‘cause that’s where Mr Drysdale does his money-mindin’.
Well, Uncle Jed and my Ma got their heads together and they decided that if I helped drive the old truck out to Beverly Hills Californy, I could stay out there with Uncle Jed and finish off my education. That sure was a proud day fer me, when I realised I’d be the first in my family to go all the way to sixth grade.
So, that’s how we all got to be livin’ out here in Beverly Hills Californy, but this here story starts way back when we was all still livin’ back in Bug Tussle. You see, there was this one time I was stayin’ over at Uncle Jed’s place, so I could help with the shingles on the roof. We was up on that roof all mornin’, and it was gettin’ powerful hot up there, so Uncle Jed said we ought to have ourselves a spell. So me and Uncle Jed clumb down off of the roof, and Uncle Jed went to the kitchen to make himself a pot of coffee, and that left me all on my lonesome.
Now, one thing about fixin’ shingles, it always puts me in the mood fer wrasslin’, so I went off to look fer Elly May. Now that might sound strange, bein’ Elly’s a girl and all, but I done whooped all the other fellas around these parts and Elly’s awful strong fer a girl and she’s whooped most of ‘em herself, so she gives me more of a challenge when we goes in fer wrasslin’ together, so that’s why I went lookin’ fer her. I knew Elly’d be off in the woods someplace, making pets of them wild critters like she does, so that’s where I went lookin’ fer her.
I done looked all over them woods but I couldn’t find Elly no place, so I went back a different way, past the old swimmin’ hole, where Elly and me used to go skinny dippin’. We hadn’t done no skinny dippin’ fer a long while but when I got closer I could hear Elly May a-splashin’ around in the swimmin’ hole, and talkin’ to them wild critters like they was gonna talk right back to her, but I couldn’t see nothin’ ‘cause there was a whole lotta bushes ‘twixt me and the swimmin’ hole. I found a gap in them bushes and I stuck my head through, and I was about to holler out to Elly May to see if she was up fer some wrasslin’, but what I seen gave me a big surprise.
Now, it weren’t no surprise to see Elly in her birthday suit, on account of that’s how folks dress when they’s a skinny-dippin’, but what plumb took me by surprise was how different Elly looked since the last time I seen her like that. She was all rounded out and curvy lookin’ and them titties of hers was like two grapefruits hangin’ off of her chest, only they wasn’t really hangin’, it was more like they was pointin’ straight ahead at me. And down where her pecker woulda been if she was a fella, there was this triangle of gold coloured hair. Matter of fact it was Elly first told me girls ain’t got peckers, back when we went skinny-dippin’ the first time, when we was ten.
I remember she shucked off her clothes that first time we went skinny-dippin’ back when we was ten, and I looked at her and I said, “Elly! What happened to yer pecker?” and she said, “Don’t you be silly Jethro. Girls ain't got peckers.”
“Well,” I said, “how do y’all pee?” cause I really wanted to know how a body could pee without no pecker, and Elly said, “Easy, Jethro. We just squat down and do it like a lady.” Then she said, “Only thing is I cain’t show you how we do it on account of Granny tol’ me it ain’t good manners to squat down and pee in front of folks. She said y’all got to wait till their backs is turned and do it when they ain’t lookin.’”
Well, I said, “That’s okay, Elly. I know what y’all look like, and I know what squattin’ down looks like, and I know what peein’ looks like, so if I put them four things together in my head, I reckon I know what you squattin’ down to pee looks like,” and Elly said, “See Jethro, you ain’t nowhere near as silly as folks’s always sayin’.”
Anyway, that was back when we was ten, but this particular day, I was so plumb surprised at how different Elly was lookin’, that when I tried to holler out to see if she was up fer some wrasslin’, it was like my throat was all dry and squeezed out of shape, and there weren’t no sound comin’ out. I swallowed some spit to wet my throat again, and I took me a breath to start hollerin', but I heard Granny back at the cabin, and she was hollering herself that lunch was on the table and how it ain’t gonna eat itself, so we better get ourselves back there else the hogs is gonna be eatin’ up big today.
Well, one thing I like better than wrasslin’, and that’s eatin', so I high-tailed it back to the cabin fer some of Granny’s possum grits and hog jowls, with a side of biscuit, and I reckon I was already on seconds when Elly got back with her clothes on.
Me an Uncle Jed never got back up on that roof that day, but the next day we was up there most of the mornin’, finishin’ off them shingles and when that was done we tended to a few other chores needed doin’ about the place, and then it was time fer more of Granny’s home cookin’. After we finished lunch, Uncle Jed went out to the front porch to set on the two seater swingin’ chair with a pot of coffee, and Elly went back into the woods to play with her critters again, and then Granny went out to boil up some lye soap, and that left me all on my lonesome again.
That belly full of Granny’s possum puree and sow belly with turnip greens was makin’ me feel like I could use a little nap, so I done laid down on Uncle Jed’s big ol’ bed, and I laid there a mite, thinkin’ about stuff in my head. I got to thinkin’ about yesterday, and how different Elly was lookin’ over at the swimmin hole. I was thinkin’ about them titties of hers, eyeballin' me like they was, and how she turned her back to me to walk out the other side of the swimmin’ hole, and I remembered that her butt was all curved out like some kinda prize-winnin’ pumpkin at the county fair. Then, all of a sudden, I realised that my pecker was getting’ all swoll up. Well, first thing I thought, I must have got bit on the pecker by a snake, cause I couldn’t think of no other reason fer my pecker to get all swoll up like that. I looked around but I couldn’t see no snake anywhere, but I remembered something Uncle Jed told me one day about what to do if you ever get bit on the leg by a snake.
Uncle Jed told me if y’all ever get bit on the leg by a snake, you got to get this here thing called a, “torny-kay,” and put it on yer leg, so’s the poison don’t go spreadin’, else that leg’s gonna fall right off. Well, I sure didn’t want my pecker fallin' off cause I’d have to squat down to pee like a girl so I looked around but I couldn’t see nothin’ to use fer a torny-kay. I was real sure I didn’t want that poison spreadin’, but I didn’t have no torny-kay to put on my pecker, so I got me a notion to squeeze on my pecker so’s it wouldn’t spread nowhere, so, I squeezed real hard on my pecker.
Well, my pecker was swoll up hard as hickory by now, but when I squeezed on it, it kind of felt good, so I squeezed a little harder and it felt a little better. Well, it seemed that the harder I squeezed, the better it felt, and then I got this other notion to rub on it while I was squeezin’ on it. Well, I started rubbin’ on my pecker while I was a squeezin’ on it, and that felt even better than just squeezin’ on it did, so next thing I knew, I was rubbin’ and squeezin’, and squeezin’ and rubbin, and it just felt better’n, better’n better, and before long, it felt so good I took to breathin’ real hard, too.
Well, I was a-layin’ there on Uncle Jed’s bed, squeezin’ on my pecker, and rubbin’ on my pecker, and huffin’ and puffin’ while I was squeezin’ and a- rubbin, and I reckon I was breathin’ so hard I musta sounded like that big ol’ steam engine over there at the lumber mill, and it just kept feelin’ better and better all the time. Then, somethin’ mighty strange happened, cause all that rubbin’ and squeezin’ on my pecker felt so good I just didn’t know what was going on, and it felt almost too good, and all of a sudden, I thought I pissed myself.
I laid there a moment, wondering what just happened, and I looked down at my jeans and there was a big wet patch on the front, so I looked inside and there was all this white goo come out of the end of my pecker. Now I was real scared, cause I remembered the snake again, and I figured it must have been the poison makin’ all that white stuff come out of my pecker. Then, I remembered somethin’ else Uncle Jed done told me about when you get bit on the leg by a snake. He said that if you ever get bit on the leg by a snake you better get some doctorin’ real quick.
Then I remembered Granny goes in fer doctorin' in her spare time, so I jumped up and ran out the back, hollerin’ fer Granny to help me. I was hollerin’, “Granny! Granny! I need yer help! I done been bit on the pecker by a snake and it got all swoll up and I squeezed on it to stop the poison from spreadin' so’s my pecker wouldn’t fall off and all this here while stuff come out the end of my pecker and I need yer help Granny!”
I ran around to the back yard and Granny was stirrin’ up a big pot of lye soap. I said, “Granny! You gotta help me. A snake done bit me on the pecker and I squeezed on it to stop the poison and white stuff come out the end of my pecker and I need you to do some doctorin' on me ‘cause I don’t want my pecker fallin’ off or I’ll have to squat down to pee like a girl!”
Granny stopped her stirrin’, and she hollered, “What in the blue blazes is got into you boy?”
I said, “Granny! I think a snake bit me on the pecker cause it got all swoll up! I squeezed on it to stop the poison spreadin’ and white stuff come out the end. I think the poison’s done somethin’ to my pecker so I need you to do some o’ your doctorin’ on it!”
Granny laid the stirrin’ spoon against the side of the pot and she walked over to me, and she said, “Jethro, you are a special kind of stupid!” I said, “Thanks Granny, but I need help with my pecker, not compliments.”
Granny looked down at the front of my jeans, and she shook her head, and she said, “Jethro, ain’t nobody ever learned you about the birds and the bees?” I said, “Granny, this ain’t no time fer talking about insects and flyin’ critters. I need help with my pecker!”
Granny said, “No, Jethro, what I’m tryin’ to say is, ain’t your Ma never told you the facts of life?” Now I was real confused, cause only facts I ever knowed about was what’s in them ‘cyclopaedia books my Ma keeps on the bureau in the parlour room, so I said, “Granny, I don’t know what yer talkin’ about but I need help with my pecker real bad. I think a snake done bit it and it might fall off.”
Well, Granny reached up and she grabbed me by the ear, and she walked around to the front of the cabin, and I followed her ‘cause there ain’t much else you can do when Granny’s got you by the ear like that. We got around to Uncle Jed, settin’ on the two-seater swingin’ chair on the front porch, and he stood up, and he said, “Granny, what’s goin’ on? This boy been sassin’ you again? I done told you before, Jethro, you go sassin’ Granny and she’s likely to get ornery real quick. That’s a side of her you oughta stay right away from if you can.”
Granny let me go by the ear and she said, “No, Jed, it ain’t nothin’ like that at all. Seems as how nobody ain’t never told this boy where babies comes from. And bein’ you’re the man of this household, that’s somethin’ that falls on your shoulders.”
Uncle Jed sat back down and he said, “Well, Granny, I‘d be right proud to take on that responsibility,” and he said, “Jethro,” and he patted the seat next to him on the swingin’ chair. I sat down, but I was kinda confused cause Uncle Jed don’t do no doctorin’, and Uncle Jed said to Granny, “So if y’all excuse us, Granny, me and Jethro is goin’ to have us a long talk,” and Granny turned and walked around the back. I heard her mutterin’ somethin’ about, “biggest dolt I ever did see,” so I knew she was talkin’ about me cause “dolt” is a kinda pet name she sometimes has fer me.
Well me and Uncle Jed sat there on that swingin’ chair that day and we had us a long talk like he said, and he told me all kinds of real interestin’ stuff about peckers, and ladies, and how peckers and ladies goes together, and how when a fella and a lady gets to likin’ each other a whole lot in a particular kinda way, a fella’s pecker gets all hard and swoll up like mine was when I thought a snake bit it. He said a lady’s got this special place ‘twixt her legs, and when the fella and the lady gets to likin’ each other a whole lot like that, and the fellas’ pecker gets all swoll up and hard, the fella puts his pecker inside the lady’s special place and he goes into sawin’ on it, and it feels real good for both of ‘em.
He said that when yer pecker gets all swoll up, it’s called a “ee-rection,” and puttin’ yer pecker inside a lady’s special place feels a hundred times better than just squeezin' on it like I done, and that white stuff that comes out the end is like a man’s seed. He said that ladies’s got eggs up inside of ‘em, and when that seed gets on them eggs it turns them into a baby and that’s where babies comes from. Land sakes! Who would of thought babies come out of eggs?
Uncle Jed told me the proper name for that white stuff that comes out the end of your pecker is called, “cum,” but some folks call it, “jism,” even though, “cum,” is the word that polite folks use. “Matter of fact,” he said, “you can tell a lot about the way a man’s been brought up by gettin’ him to talk about what comes out the end of his pecker.” He said, “If he calls it, ‘jism,’ y’all know he ain’t been well brought up and you probably need to be careful of him from then on.”
Uncle Jed told me that puttin’ your pecker up inside a lady’s special place like that is called, “makin’ love,” and just hearing them two words together like that, “makin’,” and, “love,” made it sound real special. He said that sometimes folks want to, “make love,” and get them real good feelin’s, but they don’t want no baby comin’ along, so the fella goes to the drug store and buys this here thing called a, “rubberjohnny,” and he puts it over the end of his pecker so ‘s the cum don’t go up inside the lady and get all over her eggs.
Uncle Jed told me that there’s some rules about which lady’s special place a fella can put his pecker in. He said, “Right away, sisters are out. You cain’t put your pecker in your sister’s special place,” but then he said, “Truth be told, though, some folks around these parts is a mite casual about that rule.” Then he said, “Likewise, your Ma. You cain’t put your pecker inside your Ma’s special place, neither, cause that’s agin the rules, too. Same goes for your aunts, and close cousins.”
Uncle Jed said, “Matter of fact, you ain’t supposed to make love with any of your blood kin,” but he kind of scratched on his stubble a mite and he said, “But come to think of it, there ain’t no rules say you can’t do it with your grandmother.” He must have seen the look on my face cause for a moment I was picturin’ Granny out there in the backyard, stirrin’ up her lye soap, and he considered on it a beat or two, and said, “You know, Jethro, it takes all kinds to make this world, but I reckon a man could go a awful long ride ‘fore he come across too many fellas that’s got any kinda hankerin’ to make love with their grandma.”
Anyway, old Uncle Jed done such a fine job of explainin’ to me all about peckers and ladies that day that when he asked me if I had any questions, only one that come to mind was I said, “Uncle Jed, what do they call that there special place twixt the lady’s legs?”
Uncle Jed said, “Well, Jethro, it goes by all kinds of names, all depends who yer talkin’ to, and some of them names ain’t really fit fer polite company.” He considered on it some, and he said, “Medical folks, they call it the, ‘angina,’ but the name you’ll most commonly hear it called by is, ‘the pussy.”
“The pussy?” I said, “Now why in the world would folks go calling it after a little ol’ kitty cat?” Now, Uncle Jed has been around, and I think he’d even been outside of Bug Tussle once or twice, and he looked at me, gave me one of them smiles says he was a man of the world, and he said, “Cause, Jethro, if you treat it right, it’ll purr like a kitten.”
I said, “How do y’all treat it right, Uncle Jed?” and he said, “Well, before you go puttin’ yer pecker inside a lady’s pussy like that, she likes y’all to kinda fondle it a little, you know, real gentle like. That kinda gets her in the mood for you to poke yer pecker in there and start sawin’ on it.” He paused, like he was makin’ sure I was payin’ attention, and he leaned in a little and said, “But the best way to treat a lady’s pussy right is to get up close and personal with it, give it a little kissin’, and bit o’ lickin’.”
“Lickin’?” I said, “How can y’all go lickin’ down there where she pees?” and Uncle Jed said, “That’s the strangeness of it boy. I know it don’t sound right putting your tongue down there but a lady’s pussy is the sweetest thing y’all are ever gonna taste, and once you smelt one, you ain’t never gonna be the same again.” I figured for moment Uncle Jed was only joshin’ about lickin’ down there on a lady’s special place, but he said, “I ain’t jokin’, Jethro. You just wait and see.”
So after Uncle Jed was all finished learnin’ me all about peckers and ladies, he said, “Now, Jethro, I want y’all to remember that there ain’t no reason to be ashamed of yer pecker going all hard and swoll up like that. It means you’ve growed into a man, and you should be proud of that there pecker of yours,” and I said, “Okay Uncle Jed, next time it gets all swoll up I’m gonna be real proud of it.”
Anyway, me and Uncle Jed finished up our long talk, and I walked away knowin’ I was now a man, with a pecker that could swell up fit to bust. I reckoned it wouldn’t be too long ‘fore I’d meet me a lady that liked me in that particular way and she’d be wantin’ me to put my pecker up there inside her special place and take to sawin’ on it. Later on that afternoon, I was thinkin’ about ladies and peckers again, and next thing I knowed, my pecker was all swoll up again, only this time instead of being scared it was gonna fall off, I was right proud of it.
I reckoned Granny’d be right proud of me too if I went out and showed her, so I went into the kitchen with my jeans all poked out from my swoll up pecker, and I said, “Look at me Granny! I’m a man! Look how hard my pecker’s gone!” Well, I reckon Granny musta been in one of her ornery moods that day, ‘cause she took one look at me and grabbed her big black skillet, and said, “Jethro, you put that durn thing away ‘fore I hit you ‘round the head with this skillet so hard, by the time you remember what it’s good fer, you’ll be too old to use it.”
I ran out the kitchen real quick, ‘cause I seen in the past how handy Granny is with that skillet of hers, and then I considered on it for a while, and I reckoned that it must be ‘cause she ain’t got no fella to put his pecker in her special place no more, so maybe peckers is a sore point with her when they’s a-swoll up like that.
So that there’s the story of how I got learned all about peckers and ladies by my Uncle Jed, and now I’m livin’ out here in Beverly Hills Californy. I ain’t found me a lady yet that wants to, “make love,” with me, but now that I got me a sixth grade education, I reckon I’m one of them, “eligible bachelors,” folks talk about, and pretty soon there’ll be ladies linin’ up for me to start into sawin’ on ‘em, so I’ll just bide my time.
Now, just remember, y’all come back now, hear?
