Summer 2026
It were an ordinary morning. Phone rang.
“Hell - Oh” I says casual like .
“Is that sex change clinic?” this twat asks.
“No its a fucking Chinese laundry, of course it’s sex change clinic,” I says, “What do you want?”
“To become a woman,” he says.
“Best of luck with that, periods, hot flushes, babies,” I says, “What we offer is a basic prickoptomy, like clean sweep or a de-bollocking if you want to be an enoch, I mean Unuch.”
“Oh,” he says.
“We can make a cunt hole where your cock was, “ I says, “If you want but most folk what’s interested is queers what takes it up their ass anyway so it’s a bit pointless is that.”
“Oh,” he says.
“Look if you just want’s to perv, we can do a set of DD tits,” I said, “Keep thee prick and that and that will get you into women only showers and women’s changing rooms, mind you you’ll need a big handbag to hide thee cock when it gets hard.”
“Do I have to live as a woman first,” he asked.
“Not since Labour won 2024 election, July 4th I think it was,” I explained , “You just fill in an online form on the “You Gov” website and Robert’s your mothers brother.”
“Oh,” he said. “How much?”
“Depends, are you a UK resident or have leave to remain?” I asked
“Oh yes,” he agreed.
“Only most are illegals who don’t want to be exported and they can say their lives will be in danger if they are sent back to Wazzockstan or whatever.” I explained, “Though I don’t see it me self as Sharia law has their whatsits off as a rape punishment and they don’t have any whatsits anyway but UK government muppets don’t see it that way.”
“I am a UK citizen,” he said.
“What colour?” I asked. “Caucasian, Milk Chocolate, Plain Chocolate, Matt Black what?”
“What does that matter?” he asked
“Skin colour, we have to do a graft, it don’t keep, skin don’t,” I explained, “We get it fresh from Pathology usually, Black’s easy, ten a penny young blacks, knife victims and shootings mainly but Arab can be a bugger, and most Caucasians are either pissed up or drugged up or bloody ancient dead from natural causes, If you want a cunt we use pigs intestine.”
“Oh,” he said.
“Look ball park, Illegal, Arab, no cunt no tits say sixty quid,” I said, “Caucasian full works about nine grand.”
“Why the difference?” he asked.
“Rochdale Racists sponsor the Arabs, stops them breeding see,” I explained.
“How soon could you do it?” He asked. Well I had a Transit Van gearbox to put back in and Nutter wanted his Harley Oil changed ASAP, “Half three any good?”
“Do I have to stay in all night?” he asked
“No, its dead quick,” I said, “We measure up the graft, lop off the organ and sew the graft on then make a pee hole, dead quick if you don’t want tits, and it’s cash only by the way.”
“And you are qualified yes?” He asked.
“Course we are,” I said and looked at me MOT tester’s certificate hanging on the wall, “Look get yourself down Manchester Road screw a few tarts and decide whether losing your tool is really the answer.”
“I had no idea it was so easy,” he said, “The NHS said it took three years,”
“Lazy bastards,” I said, “Anyway think on, give us a bell when you decide.”
I was only winding him up, our number at Brian’s Motor Works (BMW get it ) was only one digit different to the specialist clinic so we got their calls sometimes and it was a laugh to wind their punters up.
Bugger me if he didn’t ring back a week later.
“We discussed my sex change last week,” he said, “I did as you suggested, and well, I never realised how lovely fucking a lady was, I went to public school you know and we were always at it, regular buggery prevents constipation was the watchword.”
“So?” I says.
“You suggested breast implants,” he continued, “If I grew my hair and had DD boobies I could get into shower rooms with naked women and let nature take it’s course couldn’t I?”
“Oh yes plenty of Transvestites do that,” I? agreed, “It makes it a lot easier when the bint’s already got her kit off, all hot and sweaty, lot easier to turn them on.”
“Yes, fox among the chickens,” he said, “Just me and my cock and all those sweaty lovely naked ladies.”
There was a strange gurgling noise.
“You OK mate?” I asked.
“Oh yes sorry,” he said.
“Are you fucking wanking you filthy bastard?” I asked.
“Yes, sorry, got it all over the fridge door,” he admitted.
“Too much fucking information,” I said “Look do you really want to have DD tits wobbling about, can’t you just goof off to videos instead of wobbling around on size 12 stillettos and having to shave your chin four times a day and the back of your hands and your chest.”
“You are not a very good salesman,” he said.
“No, I’m a fucking MOT tester and you have the wrong number, again, fuck off.” I said and slammed the phone down.
He fucking rang back, “Do you mean I can’t get a sex change without living as a woman for two years.
“No, Jesus, You can do a declaration that you’re female and get into the ladies loo or ladies changing rooms or,” I said.
“Yes, that’s what I want,” he agreed.
“Keer Stammer brought in the change in the law in 2024, when Labour won the UK election,” I explained, “Me sister’friend found some bloke’s cock nuzzling her ass crack in showers at the swimming pool and when she complained they said she was trans - fobic and should get a life.”
“Oh,” he said.
“That’s what she said, “ I explained, “If that’s what floats your boat just fill in the on line form and Bob’s you uncle, all those hot sweaty naked ladies glistening in the showers all ready to be bent over and shafted, or pushed against a wall and fucked.”
“Oh yes, how wonderful,” he agreed, “Do you know where I can find the form?”
“It’s on You Gov, just fill it in, no need to live as a woman, have your cock lopped off anything like that, easier than getting an MOT certificate really.” I explained.
“That’s wonderful, would you like to meet up for a drink or something?” he asked.
“Fuck off,” I replied and slammed the phone down. “Fucks sake,” I muttered and grabbed me pencil and wrote his number down, “What a fucking perv.”
After work I did an email to the plod and gave his details, that was months ago and I heard fuck all since. I blame Labour Party, the bastards. Woman is a bint with a womb, what has kids, bloke with no tackle is a gelding, not a fucking woman but fucking Labour says that’s Tans -fobic, what fucking planet do those twats live on.
