Same here, Nakterben! I get it... I hope that you are finding healthy, safe, fun ways to explore your broader sexuality/sensuality -- that is what I find most interesting, tbh. When I first took steps to explore, I was like many Marines I know from my active duty time. "Fuck me, suck me, but never kiss me - I am a real man and a US Marine!" Cool enough. It was about getting off. In time, though, I found that I can and am very passionate and sensual with guy friends. It is more, so much more, than just getting a nut!