I Touch Her Piece Of Gold With My Prick
by Pete Marchesi
Introduction
I am here. On my own. My brother is sleeping on the couch. There is a mystery that is apparent to me. She still loves me. And I sit and wonder. I wish for more. But she is grown. And not… curious anymore. She has stood in her place. And demanded from her family what is. I hope she can sort through that.
I sit and wait. Will she come back? Will I have anyone else? What did… I have? I guess it was a trust. And that is all we hold onto. I am sure she will be fully… grown one day. And question it. I hope I am not around. Or escaped.
I forgot to take a photo with her. (I shift about in her little hole.)
I Can’t Rely On Them
I am at a certain
place. In my
life. No looking back. I say to
myself. My ears just do
not
work.
I see a
young girl. I once knew. And life
falls apart in my
head. It is not as though I
am old. There is no
love in me.
Anymore.
And life is swept
away. By what is evil and what
is not. She
won’t
speak to me.
In defense I have no words. Her face is
pretty. Who are we… to
pretend. So life does not
smile at
me.
I am on the deck looking
out at the sea. It is
quiet. I do not know myself. Anymore. I used
to draw images of
confusion. Which is what I
really feel. You cannot touch
me
with love. I do
not feel it. I just feel
danger.
A phone rings. I am at
home.
What Goes Through Me
That I do not know. There is a
boat on the water. I am high
up. All the rich stay
hereabouts.
I wish I could speak to her. But we do
not know the meaning of
love.
Christianity says to speak violently. I cannot
concur.
I smoke a cigarette or two. Hoping for
better times. At the
madhouse. It is uncivil torture. I only went
there because I was
tired and feeling violent
towards my family. They let me
down. I do not
know how.
These are Italian friends of mine. And they
only know the
inescapable. There is no love
for me. She did not touch
me. And I am just a
man. Surrounded by evil. I cannot
rely on them. My family. For
anything.
Now.
I take the notes that must
be taken.
Worship
We fall before
Christ. Saying he is the
new Lord. And religion becomes
a part of it. To make
up
our day. And bend me
to the unseen. That is all that is
left of me. And I battle with
a fearful… face.
I cannot see the words
anymore. There are tears
in me. I fear for the
worst.
I have only cigarettes to keep me
company. I am screaming
inside. To let me go. But the custom
of religion is to shake you. I had words. What did I mean
to say? The young girl
says I had purpose one
day. We all crawl around. I think they
want to lock me up. This is my
family.
I did nothing wrong. But it pleases
them to see… me
quiver.
My brother is on the phone with Hewlett Packard. It is
his business. I cannot breathe. Let me
have another cigarette.
Shhh.
He just went on a trip to
Europe. Did some business. He is not
rich. Life will crack
me. I know it. Now.
I try to
breathe.
Today Is Friday
You cannot say what
you are thinking. It costs too
much. I must make a
plan. To get away from it. Enemies. I never
thought I’d
have.
My sister looms large. Strict
and rude. I am
no
longer a member of the
family.
This will crack me.
The young girl will be
my enemy.
I cannot think. And let it
flow.
I touched her on the nose
one day. And told
her
I knew about love. She was
9
years old. All we do is
talk. And there is no refrain. No thinking
of what we are doing or what we
are missing. There is just…
seclusion.
Where is my friend? I bend to pick it
up. The
past.
My Step-father Had His Heart Taken Out
They took it out and placed it on a
piece of ice. He said it was
too much for him. He has no opinion on
mad
people. So I try to refrain. But they
listen to the
status quo.
And society takes them away
from me.
He is all about golf and
making friends. They are
his
money.
To him. So I hide away and look
to the cigarettes to end
my life easily.
My mother comes to
shave me. She holds to the
truth. That I am
helpless.
I begin to scream
again.
The phone rings again. I wonder what
they will do about
me? They have already put me
in a madhouse.
From which I have the day off
today.
It is no-one that I
know.
A woman will cry out against a man if she
knows
why.
So I will not understand
love. I do not want to. And the
glimpse is over.
They Will Soon Be My Enemy
My
mother cleans the
floor. She says I am not tidy. And
leaves the fountain
on. I have to leave the family. Do I have enough
time?
I have regressed she
says to me. I am in
trouble. I try to stay alert. What has
bent and gone away? It seems a nice
day. I don't know what is waiting
for me.
The young girl was a friend of
mine.
They
want me in prison. I am not a
nice person to them.
Anymore.
So which way will
they
go?
I am smoking too
much. My family has left
me. It is all secrets now. I thought I glimpsed
love back then. We do not
know our bodies. What will they
prepare for me? I have nothing to
do with it. And the words grow
stronger in me. I love what I see. It is gone. Hidden in
fear. I have
to be careful.
What has stopped loving me? It is okay
for now. Says
a secret.
But the world is filled with
hatred.
Because of religion. I look at
my
body. It
is tired. I need to rest
it. I will soon be gone. My love taken
with... me. I forget the
young girl. It is the only
way. If there is
trouble. I run away. I run away
anyway.
Where
do I
go?
You See Things I Do Not See
And say they are
law. You forget
about comfort. And kindness. Where is
my love? You have
taken it away from me. I stop
writing.
I thought we were friends. They will
put me in hospital with this. I have to
be brave.
But what do I have
left? I was just being
myself. But she is a treasure to them. What
am I? A dog. So they escape from
me. And I am
left
alone. Too many cigarettes
today. And not
enough time. Where will I go? Away from
my
family. To lose them. In time. I see the
view. I am
crushed.
My mother gives me a
hug. I have no
friends. And I am in a
hospital for the insane. Shhh. It will
pass. So I keep
on
smoking my cigarettes. My mother has
put me in this
position.
She wants to see bad things happen to
me. I do not
see
why she hugs me. Shhh. It will be
over soon. I find that people want
things from me. I move.
I finally get angry. Why do this
to me? I have done
no harm
to anyone else. I went to the
Asylum because I was tired. And it is
just… too confusing
to
me. I don’t know what they want.
It seems strange to me. That… we are all
in this together. But we
do not leave others
alone. We are always asking
them. What do you do? Where do you
sleep? What do you want? These are words
of enmity. I don’t know
what to make of it. I do not
want any enemies! And I have done
nothing
wrong… I took the girl
at her word. Because the world
is just too exciting to me. Life is
simple. We have forgotten. I am
angry.
I do not why people have to
come at me. I am just… looking at
things. I try to calm down. It is not
enough to love and have
sex. They want more. They
want
to feel it. I don’t know how to
deal with it. My brother
interrupts me. He says I have had
a useless life. With my
writing and all. All I know is
the
truth. And I want to get
on with my life. I don’t know what the
young girl wants from me. Wants from me… I will be
quiet. I know when I am
beat.
I am angry. Not because you let it
all go by. And say we
are not
in time to save the world. Because you
will protect little girls from sex. Call them
your treasure and put them
away. Religion does
this.
And it is unfair to
all of us. I am not a
pedophile. I know love in it’s entirety. But you
will not let me have
it. And the young girls
get
confused. And
become just like
you.
Telling me to pick up my cigarette
butts. My
brother comes along again. He wants to see
what I am doing. Because he does not
want life to escape
him. I don’t know this
family. Because they want
too much from me. I have been
out on the street. They persecute
you. They know you have
no money. But they give
you fines that are
too large to pay. So you go to
prison. These
are good,
normal people I refer to. But you
give them a time. You say it is
not
good to be poor. And lock them
up. Because they
do
not
belong.
They rant and rave
about things you should know
about. About the atom
bomb. And so on. But we did
no wrong.
You say. I cannot… go along with
you. I cannot! My brother pulls
away. They want to
know
more. Because they
know they are doing wrong
stuff in their lives. But they cannot
refer to anything outside. My sister is
on the phone. I am always thinking
it is about me. I go
back and forwards down a
hallway in the insane asylum. I am
trying to stay
cool. But they will not let
it
happen. I am angry. I am
angry. I am angry. I am
angry. But they want no more
of me. My family wants to
exclude me. Let
it be. If that is the way they want
it. I will not… depend on them. I will look to
myself. And gather my strength.
And be okay with
it. Shhh. My
step-father comes in. He needs to be
apprised of the
situation. And they do it
silently. Without words. I remember this. How this
whole
community works
against love. In whatever form that
it comes. Because they cannot handle
it. They cannot handle knowing that
it
exists.
Because they are
getting none of it. I gave
love to this
young girl.
But her parents have her
already going to the
other side.
She must be 16 now. And she
may very well change. Oops. Did I say it? That
you were no good at
what you do. That… as parents you
suck.
Let the words ring
true. My mother wanders
around. Waiting for me to
go. She just needs to clear up her
life of clutter. And I am just another… thing.
The young girl is at the pool. At the
pool.
I Cannot Say Anything
I am trapped in my body. And cannot
let the love out. I cannot
go up and hug her. It would be
presumptuous. But
what do they know about
love? I only know anger
right now. My family would like to see me
fail. At what? I declare. At making
friends?
Is that all you want? Don’t you
want to know that we
made mistakes? And that we must stop
making them.
The Anger Is Gone Now
I guess I am okay. I am on conservatorship.
It means that I
basically
have no rights. My family
will soon take the decision
making process away
from me.
I will have to move away. I am
silent.
The young girl is at the
pool. We were good
together. And though it smells of pedophile. It was an
innocent arrangement. I don’t know
why I even have to talk about it. You… are a
number. You will
not see the old men
as
sacred. We have
needs. And I did not have love for a long
time. A long… time. There was not
any touching or anything.
She just bounced up and down
on my leg. I did
not
stop her. And could probably be
guilty of that.
But there is love… Or there was
love. It is all an
arrangement. And I start to
quiver. I don’t know your
heart. And I do not choose to. You want
to be kind and insane. By
telling me how to be. I know myself
well.
This arrangement. That is before
us. It comes close.
Love
We seem… about
our
business. Just trying to
survive the day. The
rich say to keep it going. Even
though
the planet is suffering. I seem… to have
my own
problems. That we are
here. And it only takes a
minute. That going
away. Will not make you
stray.
So you look very carefully at
things. And hope
not to make the same
mistake twice. My sister makes to go to the
restaurant. My step-father
is talking… I don’t remember
exactly. That we live. And are asked. And all the
fun we make
of
each other. I wonder if it will
hurt.
It seems… contagious. That we
cannot get the sex out. And that life is
smothered. With things to do. I have eaten lunch. It is the
kind of day it is. And there is
no
turning back.
I was vicious with my
family. I hope they are okay with it. I want to
talk… to the young
girl. See. If she is still alright. But what will
keep us back. I hear
the mother’s
voice. And know that I am
not true to what is going on. My brother is
going about his business. With Hewlett
Packard. I don’t know
when it will end. In a few
hours… I will be
back at the
madhouse. Locked to… my room. And said
to be quiet. I guess I am
this retiring gentleman. That had no
sex in his life. And did
not like it.
I guess liking it. Is alright. Because
we forget.
To pick up things. Where we left them. So it is the
beginning. And I cannot
call to her. I do not know
about friends. We have
left
each
other in the dust. What
will happen?
There have been no
accusations. And I feel my
body weaken. I am just a man. One of
the things I like to do. Is have sex. I don’t know
what ends. And I don’t know about
holding back. I was swept away. And the
memories go away
quickly.
I saw her face. And we did not
know what to do. But the
desire is strong. To make
good on life. To give it a
child. Or a distant memory.
I want to call out to her.
Tell her that
everything is alright. Maybe
she knows. But I know she
will not be back to it. And her
rancor. I don’t know how to devour that. I can still
put on the music. And forget where I am. But
love will not
leave me alone.
Till I have a word with her. I know
her mother well. She will not allow it.
Because the treasure holds
on.
I Go To Look
I still feel good about her. I don’t
know if it will last. Life
moves with us. Sometimes we
have an opinion about it. I am just
expressing it. My body
was bereft when we first
were together.
Just to speak to her freed me somewhat. This
simple old
man.
Trying to know better.
She stands with her mother. She
is still… curious. I hope I make it.
I still have no
opinion on it. I never
had. I left it
naturally. That we
meet good people. And let them
go
instantly. Because some of us
still want to know better. I hope I cry when
she leaves me.
Though I told myself not to
care. At any leaving we are
free to go. And
where I am left. I was
there… in the first place! I go to
look again. Something
stops
me.
I guess it is
my… eyes. They are sore
now. Because I have been
alone
for so long. I am just a
man. Nobody cares. I am gentle
and fulfilling. But
where can any of this go? Shhh. I must be
quiet with my life
now. I go look
anyway.
I try to go and have a
cigarette. Her legs
look
beautiful.
It is okay to be young.
And you want so
much. But they will
take… from you. They will say
that nothing belongs to
you. Even your body. She speaks to me.
I Feel Better Now
Knowing in my mind. That she is
close. And what went before may… be alright. I want
to be alright. I neither want
to commend myself or put
myself in jail. It is the reason
in me that I do not
understand. I have said we could be
friends.
They go crashing through. She is going to
University. To study design. I hope she
does well. I hope she has lots
of
boyfriends. She has grown.
So we are friends. Under the blankets. Looking
at the sunlight. Life does not happen like that. And
we are frightened of everything. I think
it is okay. That we… went through that.
I Take Some Photographs
Trying to find happiness. She still loves me. But I
will do nothing. It is inescapable fact. I don’t
know the opinions reigning
in the house. The Pope is nearby. I do not
know the religion. It is… everywhere.
But solace tells me
to be quiet.
I am on my
own
in my life. I cannot keep
it that way. Young girls. I know… them. But I need
someone
that can handle what I am going
through. There is
hope.
I don’t feel so bad. The house has
gone quiet. They went
on an errand. Will they be here
tomorrow? We are
friends.
I am pleased. I guess they made
space for
me.
This will soon
be taken up. And I have to
take precautions. It means
leaving my family. Because they
want none of it. They do not
want the romantic dream. It is
who you know. And we only know
doctors. My mother is getting
old. My step-father is
already sick. My brother has problems with
his knees. And my sister. Her liver.
Me…? I don’t know me. I smoke
too much.
We Make Love
We make love
And I see her empty nest
Her furrowed brow
Trying to understand
I can only dream of this
That we can do with time as we may
But there is a rancid feeling
In this old heart
That to dream
Will make me fall
I fall
We make love
And trace patterns on the skin
I note her no going back
And am lonely for her
Only in a poem
Can we reach out
And heal
What is making us unhappy
I am so alone
I think of
The life that will need leaving
My brother says he is not reading this
We are not… complicit
We make love
And there is no interruption
That only say you do
And the Heavens hold nothing back
From us
I am inside
The walls contracting in
And I feel myself
As only strength can do
But it is of love only
And comes out meekly
We make love…
There is no going back
And I ask her something
The sweat on her forehead
Promising things…
Promising me things
I guess there is skin to go to
A place to touch
I am alone
My brother sits nearby
He cannot see
And I don’t know what stops him
It is private in me now
The beating heart quickens
And her face flashes
Mm
The uncorrectable
I have no cigarettes left
And hide myself
In this whim
I am on top of her
She is crying out
She does not want me to escape her
My brother sits quietly
I wish for a different world
Where I can be whole
And feel the emptiness inside
And call it... loneliness
But she stops me
I have come too close
My brother sighs
We are a family
I am not leaving
I know things about this life
They do not
And you may find it criminal
I am just holding on
The End
I know the end
When the beating heart stops
And she says that life is beating her up
It is saying things to her
About what is wrong or… right
But what will keep us together
Unless we are touching
I say to all the old women out there
To hold onto your skin
And do not let the doctor’s wicked knife enter
Protect your children from the doctor
His reign is not to be
We are not there
For his delight
And she gets up
And I can see her naked body
Just as I wanted it to be
She is old enough now
But I dream
I dream
I will put myself down
In death
If this leaves us all
To take the one moment
We all… cherish
And make fools with it
As the religious has become
Not allowing us to see
Into love
And she leaves
I don’t know when she is coming back
She will have children with someone
They will be strong and vicious
We will be able to say
To the not good
We beat you at that
You tried
But we beat you at that
Trying
The Vegetables Rise
I knew once upon a time
A huge house
With no-one in it
Everybody had left the place
I said to enter
And everybody did
I asked for money
There were excuses
I forgot to take a photo with her
I guess I will forget
But there is too much of that
I still have her around my neck
I am not one to miss the reality of it
That sickens me
And says that we are all trapped
In this society
The status quo
Is that we are of Christ
And no Angels are allowed near us
For there is one God…
I gently put away the pages
I need to get a job.
The Madhouse
I remember it well. I have an
hour and a half. I am alone
now. Just the way I want it to be. They
keep
on trying to make friends with me there. They
want what I cannot give
them. Hope. Many are like me. There is
something stabbing everyone that
tries to placate life. So I stay
homeless. I don’t believe I said
that. I really need a job. It is to
bring
my family
together.
That is a cause I can
hold onto. We are taken
up in rife. And try to
understand… We must not take children to the
doctor. It is not the place to
go. God weans us… of us! Through
disease. So we must not look back. We must
accept what
happens to us. As coincidence. And not
try to make life under our control. We will
feel no love.
Otherwise.
I sit and feed on the tranquility I can
still feel. Soon. At the madhouse. I will be out of
control. It is time to
stop writing. This is because they want too
much from me. They
say we are ill-equipped. And cannot
handle life. That we are
morbidly incandescent. Because
we
hold onto freedom
from the doctor. He wants too
much of… us. These bodies
that we try to hold
precious. Nothing must enter
them. They are ours. And
we hold
on.
It is a madhouse that people
want you to agree. I do not… agree. And will
become homeless. Again. No. I
will not. I really need to start working. At least
get some money. I do not agree
with it. But I am
out of cigarettes. And it is
against the rules to
beg. What happened to
that woman? I hope she is not
thinking of me. And that everything alright will happen
to her.
I have to look after
myself. And get a
job.
It is me now. And I cannot rely on
them. There are too many
wounds. They have
my
brother on pills too. He will get
me
some
chocolate ice
cream. We are a
family. It is almost
time for me to
go.
The tiredness I feel. It is difficult to
be dealing with
things all the time. I am always
defending myself. I don’t know
where this comes
from. But American
society… The Establishment. I guess
those are the old
families. Or people we do not
want to know. My mother comes
upstairs. She is concerned. Should I really
go? I will become
homeless.
But I really need a job. My
sister comes in and
greets me. She does
not say much. And complains
about the restaurant. We need an
extra dishwasher. She says the
workers there are
children.
Excuse me. I want to say
hello to them. They are all
gone.
I have put them through
everything. Everything that I have experienced
in the last 17 years.
Everything. Do you
think that they are tired? Of course they are. I just
asked to
see.
And I have seen. It has left
me upset. Because we are in great
danger at all
times.
I cannot rely on them. I will
become homeless. But I have always
had a home with
them. There was no fight. I just wanted
to
be
alone.
You cannot… come free of your
family. It is like we were made
together. And belonging must go
on.
It cannot stop.
So I think for a bit. I will become
homeless. Again. It is the
only
way. The only thing
is that
they will
be sad. And caused
to feel shame. From the
customers at the restaurant and
friends. We have… listened. We do not
want our children to be
fed. To the doctors. If they die, we sit
by… them.
I have no children. So I have not been
forced into it. We are corrupt. Where is that
little girl? I said
something to her. That I do not
want to see her again. And you realize
my jealousy. But she lives with it. I will not
be rude. I will not act strong. I will vacate the
premises. Because I do not know what will happen.
I am a kindly old gentleman. I went to the
hospital. I have done a lot for
you.
It is all in my writing. You have
paid me next to nothing. The Internet is full
of my
work. Where is the little
girl? I am going to be… homeless. I need
a job. I need to start up
again. With no more writing in
my heart. And I am just rambling on
and
on.
Where is the little
girl? She has disappeared. And needs to
think about
important things. I don’t think there is a
going back for her. But realize that
many of us just need her. We just. Need… her.
And if you hold onto your children
too tightly. You
will not see the good
of it.
The madhouse
remains.
No more atom bombs
please. We are ruining the landscape. And
have forgotten
respect…
My mother comes to
gather me. I need to get
a haircut tomorrow. No time. I will
become homeless again. And I realize it was
just an experiment. To go about
in… society. And
ask it particular
things. In Christianity. It is said you
cannot beg. I guess we are
different. And
starving means nothing! So I see poor
people go about at
night, to pick
the trash. I would
have them
on corners standing up. But you want
to make laws… I am
rambling!
I cannot stop. I cannot leave it
alone. The young girl comes to
take my hand. This mad old
man. Trying to
speak.
Speak.
We fuck.
2768 1 24967 
+4.55 [11]
