Fuck Me God
(They… are aware)
by Pete Marchesi
Introduction
I guess I write under another name. They have become aware. I tempted to ask them how. But it is a private house. I need my own house.
And it comes to you that this stuff is for free. So I do not know why.
I am not questioning that. I am questioning how people interfere. I cannot say. I guess they have an agenda. That… is religion. But it is so easy to please.
Genuine
It is difficult to say what I need… to write. I am
close to suicide. So it has to be
good. They have
worn me down. I don’t… know. They have
me in an insane
asylum. What can I say about
it? The world goes on. I am stuck there.
Unnoticed. I guess I could write
something rude. I am just
about in the mood for it. God… came to visit
me. I was not in
the
mood. So I threw him
out. I am just like you
he said. I was not
listening. It is daytime. I am
going to look for him tonight. I need
some radical sex. I don’t know
what it will be about. But I have
some idea. He likes to fuck
me up the
ass. I don’t mind
it. But… what am I telling
you for? It seems there
are no rules to being around
here. So I am going
to do it for my
well… being. I can
fantasize. I guess I will
have to. Because there is no
way. I just laugh. It is
one of those
days.
I shall invite him. Do you think I should? I am
in a nasty mood. And the house is full
of family. I am hoping
that they all go
out tonight. That will
suit me just fine. My cock. I guess
it is okay. It has been used
recently. So a good ass
fucking will do me
just fine. Is this not
crazy? I am over the
edge. I think I will
stay there for a bit. The world wants
none of me. I am going to make
myself comfortable. I ate
today. And had a good shit. This is
awful. This… is no way to write. I think I will
just waste my
time. How will I
prepare? I guess it
will just
happen. That is what
I am hoping. I need an
instrument.
A cigarette will do. To smoke. I don’t know
further than that. I am being
original. How about that
smoke? I think about it. I have
been smoking all
morning. Is my penis
even still alive? Once he
almost twisted my head off. He said
he was here. And he
proceeded
to humiliate me, till
I was this tame
little puppy. And I said… I will be
your cock whore. Not a bad
way to be. And I like it fast. I have
seen many people doing
illicit things. I guess I can
compete. And then I
say to myself. …I must be
crazy. I don’t need to do
this. Let it just
happen.
And that is not the thing. I need
to be loved. In a
big… way. I really
need it. It is getting
lonely for me. And his company
will do
me just fine. You ask me
how can I write
such a thing. It is just that
the world is too… expansive. It is too
mean and trivial. I need to
state… myself. I am just
wasting my time. How about that
cigarette? You do not know
what you get into with these
things. There is no
turning back. God… please
fuck me. I need a good
fucking. Tell me that you
love me and all that
shit. I will
keep
it clean. I can get you
here. I say to myself. That
is easy. He wants to see
people love themselves more. I can
only
comply. With that. I go
have a cigarette. My body is just
not feeling it anymore. How shocking. I have seen
him. He is very beautiful. And you
can
do nothing about it. You just
want… him. And that is all
there is to it. It sounds
crazy. But I need… crazy. People have been
ripping me apart. I think I will
take a golf club. That will keep
me company. That will do…
me. I will ask him if he
will do it… to me. I don’t know
how he wants it. But I am sure
he will not be shy. If you
like, I can describe it to you. Just not
now. I need to go have
that cigarette. This will
completely discredit me. But I have
no money.
So I can’t get a woman. I do not
want a man. I want God. You
just look at
him. And you are his. In this
case I speak of Odin. My… God. I am not
interested in just any God. I need
him.
So it is. I need… that cigarette. It will
blow up my mind as big
as a house. And I can
start. He stays my
hand. And says to wait till it is
nighttime. People are about
their business in the
house. I do not
want to be discovered. It is a
strange and evil thing that I am
doing. I want it. My body
needs
it.
My mother comes by. She is
going out. I tell her I want to
stay in. That is what is gone. Will… I be private
tonight? Or should I just
do it now? I go have that
cigarette. Hmm. Please come to
me. Surprise me. I will tell
them. He says I am
very
evil, and not to ask
him this. I agree. And put it
away.
Benevolent
Where do we go? Where do we
go? I guess I will listen to
some music. I lied… about what I said
before. You know you
cannot
just write anything. There have
got to be some rules. And what would
people say? I am just
needing… I put on
Blood. It is one of my favorite songs. It is
by In This Moment. I also like
Otep. A good
band. We are trying to be
violent… How do I keep myself
from this?
By expressing. There is everything
wrong with it. I just tell
you. God has gone
away. Odin has gone
away. That is my… God.
I don’t care what is
yours. I am not trying to
insult you. How would I do that
anyway? We are each
formed. The body
exists. The rest we
do. We have not been
doing well. Blood is a good
song. It is about a
man. I like men. I do not
say. And I do not… do. There is just
this. That I reserve.
We have patience. Wait till you see
the next video I use… I could get
into trouble for this. I am just tired.
It is my excuse.
I have passion. That is all I
have. I have over 300 books on Kindle. An Amazon
site. It is all
useless. No-one reads
them. I am just trying to reach in. I have a
niece and nephew. Let them not be
victims. Big Bad Wolf. Another
favorite. I don’t know
the band. I have
forgotten. It is interesting. It holds
you. Keeps you silent. And I need that
for a while. You get people
looking for sex. They don’t know
where they go to. I will not be with a
man. It is too confusing. And my
family would be
flabbergasted. I do not want to
do that to them. My family
tells me to turn them off. The music. I guess I will
play it outside. I will be
alone then. And I am tired… of being
alone. It is light. It will be nighttime soon
enough. I wonder if I can do it? I have done it
before. I am just boring. I can’t really do this, can I? I will
leave it. I do not need to do
this. I will reserve it for
myself. But isn’t that what you want?
Everything…
My brother has disappeared. I will try to
put the music softer. There are other
ones I need… to listen to. It will get
me going.
It will make me forget
where I am. And that is what I want. I shouldn’t put
my name on this thing. There are some
religious people
that know
better. Keep it put away. They will
say. And I see
their
children run free. I am not
saying anything against them. The… children. It is
just
that I am enormous. I am
just kidding. Just a pretty
regular guy. That is going
too far. Let me try
this music out. I need to slip into a
dream. I hope he… wakes me. I don’t really
feel like it. I
say…
There is this woman at the
madhouse. She is pretty. But I am
sure she is getting
no sex. Do you want to
be with that? Someone that
refuses
what belongs to
us… I cannot say for
you. I cannot do anything
for you.
My purpose in this is to
show you that I need to be left
alone. I don’t know why
they do things about… this. We exist. Thank you. Now,
don’t interrupt us. I wait for
night.
I am going to go outside. And
listen. Perhaps my body will meld
with the universe. A pretty
tight fit. I am
already
starting. Ha ha.
Certainty
I find something nice. A plunger. I usually use
the hammer. But it… is sadly missing. I have my
guitar. I am going to play some
music. I need to
make
myself and him feel
tranquil. This is just
crazy. This is just crazy. But you
need to be passionate. Life lets
you down. You need to
do what you need to do. This… is what I need
to do. I try to convince myself. I am
just playing with you. I am going to do
no such thing. I will be struck
dead. Perhaps… I shouldn’t. I am hoping
that something just takes me
over. A mischievous
possession. A nice one. Most times I come out of it
in a terrible
mood. I want to kill
people. Of course I don’t. I don’t advise
this to anyone. Please
stop
reading. He he. I guess I am
just a fool. I can’t wait to
get it on. I am
political
in nature. Where did
that come
from? But that is only
for fools. “I would like everyone to bow
down to me. Except this
one. That I am
going
to
fuck. I will
creep up on
him in the middle
of the night. And attack him. I will beat
him. And then fuck him. I am
feeling quite
good
about this. He he. Go ahead
and smoke, you little cock
whore. You know
there
is no way out of
this. Now. Go and play
me some music.” Someone
will notice. “Not if I am
there. But you must be
quiet. The world is
impatient.
They want it. They
get it. But we are not
fools around here. We are
men. We do what we must. And in the
throes of passion. He… died. I made a
place for him in my
new Heaven. He did not
comply. I told him he was a
teaser. But he was
adamant.
We have sex in Heaven. He complied.”
Now I am leaning back. I don’t know
where the words are
coming from. I put the
plunger in and
stroke… it. It is his
cock. I start to
move it fast in me. The
beginning.
I put on a sex channel. It has been
a very long time. I want to see what
other people are doing. A woman’s pussy
is so neat and in place. I have not
had a girlfriend in a long
time. Never mind
children. They are non-existent to
me. I just need love. I say to myself. And it
starts.
“Demon! Where do you come from? You think
that I want you? I have better
things to do. I need
to save the world. How
interesting. You had better not
try
to
turn me on.” I smile. But it is an
indifferent
smile. He says to
look at the video closer. I have
no time for it. People are
getting turned on. I need to
turn… them on.
“Okay. You go save the
world.
You can leave me out of it.
They are just ruining
everything. We naturally
need…” I don’t know what
he is talking about. It is just
religion.
It is harmless. Don’t
commit suicide. I am not even
going to take that
seriously. I am becoming
agitated. And… angry.
Some woman fucks
herself with a banana. I start to
laugh. It is just
convenient. I don’t
know
what she is thinking
about. Ask her. I am not
going to do this. I decide against
it. Too late. Says
Odin. I guess I will
wait for him. He cannot get
away from me. He needs me so
much. I am compliant. I go to big cock
tranny. It is
wild.
Excuse me while I fall
off the
building. I am
barely holding on. Excuse
me. And I just laugh
at
myself. It is still
daylight. And that
plunger… I wish it were here with
me. I think that Odin loves us
as we naturally are. I am not
against it. He has taught me a
lot. I begin to type funny.
Lights off. Dang. It is
still daylight. I need to
let go. I need to let
go. “Don’t get
infected.” Hee hee. I guess I deserved
that. The women are not readily
available. And they
always
ask for something more. I am satisfied with
the anger. I will be in a terrible mood
tomorrow. And will not… want to do it
again. “Freedom. I guess it is a
thing that we cherish. But it is so
wrapped up in
imprisonment. Wait for your
mother to return. She will find
something to do. I would like… to fuck you
now. I am always ready. But you must
protect yourself. That is
why I think to myself… Why, are you even
writing this now.” Ha ha. I guess I will have
fun. It is be raw. Let us look
again.
Some of these trannies are
pretty. I go to an ebony
one. Please do not chew
me up and spit me
out.
I am losing my way. Odin is
good to me. I don’t know
why. We… begin. Wait. First I need a
cigarette. Go read
something. It is so sensual. I like a woman’s
skin. They are
aware.
