Rescue Sixty-911

Fondue or Fondon’t

Operator: Sixty-911. What is your erotic emergency?

Caller: Please don’t judge me.

Operator: We’d never sir. Don’t worry. This is a safe space.

Caller: I’m stuck.

Operator: Yes, we get calls about that often. What exactly are you stuck to Sir?

Caller: I never do this. I’ve never done this before. I feel so stupid. I’ll. .. I’ll just snip it off.

Operator: Sir, I advise against using scissors or any cutting devices if you’re in. .. distress.

Caller: You’re right. My hands are trembling. And my legs are too wobbly too. I’ll probably nick other things.

Operator: Yes, best to keep your other things un-nicked. Can I help you by offering some advice perhaps on how other people in your situation got “un-stuck”?

Caller: [meekly] yes please

Operator: So, there’s different categories of getting stuck. Usually it’s inadvisable holes penetrated. .

Caller: No, no, it’s nothing like that. I used a fleshlight. I’m not stupid.

Operator: That’s good to know sir. So you used a fleshlight and then what happened?

Caller: I. .. ehm. .. you know it was just there, in it’s charging hub. It’s a wet-dry cleaner. The hand held type.

Operator: Yes. So we’ve got a fleshlight on one end and a wet-dry vac on the other?

Caller: No. Yes! Sort off. I. . ehm. .. I put the non-business end of the fleshlight in the wet-dry vac. And turned it on. And it ehm. . kinda pulled it self or. .. sucked itself towards me. So ehm. .. I’m still inside the fleshlight, all cosy and stuff. .. but ehm the mouth of the wet-dry vac is against my skin. And it had molten cheese fondue on the outside, which I swear! I vacuumed up yesterday. No cheesefondue was involved in all this.

Operator: I’ll make a note of that: No cheese fondue was involved in the incident. Done. Then what happened?

Caller: The cheesefondue had melted by the heat of the wet-dry cleaner. And then hardened again when I turned it off. Only. . now my pubes are stuck in it. In the hardened cheese fondue I mean. If I turn it on, I’ll burn myself. If I yank it off, I’ll take away a lot of pubes. Like. .. a lot. ... I mean like: full frontal wax job in one go. Without anestethics. I’ve had a wax job once. I’m never doing that again. Can you help? Please?

Operator: Sir, I’ve dispatched our EEMTs to your location, you might want to put on a robe or something before you open the door.

Caller: Yes. Robe. Smart move. Thank you. Could they come without sirens please? And park the car down the street?

Operator: Of course sir. We don’t want to cause undue embarassment. If you’d like, I can make them switch to their regular plumbers outfit from our fake plumbing company: The Hot Snake Company – We’ll snake your pipes day and night. Satisfaction guaranteed. Or else.

Caller: Wow. You guys think of everything.

Operator: We’re professionals sir. You wouldn’t believe half the things we’ve done or had to get up to.

Caller: Is that thing. . about. . you know who. . true?

Operator: Sir, that is between You know who, his Lord and Saviour and our billing department. We are a discrete service. To protect the innocent and the perverted alike. We never kiss and tell.

Caller: Yes, yes, admirable. I think I hear footsteps coming to the door. They sure look like plumbers.

Operator: Yes sir. I’ll hand you over to their excellent care.

Caller: Thank you! You’re a lifesaver.

Operator: All in a days work sir. Happy to be of service.

Ding dong!

EEMTs: I heard you had some plumbing problems downstairs sir?

Caller: Yes! Plumbing problems. Downstairs. Please come in.

EEMTs: Sir we need you to remove the robe now?

Caller: Yes. .. ehm. .. please don’t laugh.

EEMTs: We’d never sir.

Narrator:

The EEMT’s arrived and carefully disentangled the clients pubic hair from the massive wads of cheese clung to it. No cheese was harmed in the production of this episode. It’s nearly a Shakespearean question: To be or not to be. To be or to do. And in this case: To Fondue or to Fondon’t. We advise our readers to Fondon’t. Hot cheese and intimate body parts make a bad combination. Stick to icecubes, pineapple chunks or rings, whipped cream, grapefruits for those in the know. Or if you must raid the produce aisle, classics like cucumbers, zucchinis, bananas, carrots, or the occasional eggplant emoji brought to life. All far less sticky than fondue, and all far less likely to weld your pubes into a medieval chastity belt. Also remember: Flared ends save lives and you from embarrassment.

— --