Rescue Sixty 911: Con-CERN-ing Improper Insertion

Operator: Rescue Sixty 911, what is your erotic emergency?

Caller: I put my dick in it

Operator: Oh, don't worry sir, we've dealt with situations like that a lot, I'm sure we can help you

Caller: Can you see my location?

Operator: You seem to be. . ehm?. .. underground? Under a massive granite mountain? In Switzerland?

Caller: Yes.. .. I'm at CERN

Operator: CERN? The particle accelerator CERN? That CERN?

Caller: Yes. ..

Operator: Oh my. .. ehm. . I think I need to get my supervisor patched into the call. And a priest?

Caller: I'm afraid so

Operator: So ehm. .. you did the thing. .. you put your dick in it?

Caller: Yes

Operator: And now you need help from us?

Caller: Yes

Operator: This'll be a challenging situation sir

Caller: I understand

Operator: Out of professional curiosity: Did you cum?

Caller: That's why I called only 15 minutes after I recovered. .

Operator: Wow

Caller: Yeah, wow. But now I'm still stuck, the vacuum's not abating. And I can't reach the emergency shut-off procedure button.

Operator: So ehm. .. our EEMT's, would you have suggestions as to how to smuggle them inside? Cause. .. we have done covert extractions and infiltrations, but I'm guessing breaching CERN is a bit outside of our regular arena..

Caller: I understand. I think they could pose as plumbing crew, not related to the particle accelerator. No one looks too closely to people who are working on the sewage lines. Nothing of interest there. Once they're in, they'll have to walk about 5 km's to my current location. And then they can press the button.

Operator: OK, that second bit sounds very doable. The 5 km walk, well, they're supposed to be fit, so that shouldn't take that long. Aren't you worried that other colleagues will walk past and find you. .. indisposed. .. whilst the EEMT's are en route?

Caller: I'm hiding under a sheet. A tarp.

Operator: Let's hope your colleagues are not the inquisitive kind and want to know why there's tarp attached to the accelerator.

Caller: Slightly vibrating tarp. I'm still buzzing lightly, can't help it. The hip-bucks keep happening.

Operator: Oh dear.

Caller: Yep. Real erotic emergency in progress here. I'm also not sure what happened to my semen. I'm afraid it's fizzing around at lightspeed inside the accelerator, being deflected magnetically to stay away from the curved walls.

Operator: Talk about a cum-shot.

Caller: I think I've broken a land-speed-record here. Pretty sure on that actually. And distance record.

Operator: You must have. First man to ejaculate so hard, his sperm traversed a 15 km diameter ring and flew past his dick from the opposite direction in 3 seconds. It probably didn't even have time to disintegrate.

Caller: Yep, my swimmers are strong like that. It's like being centrifuged. Just a bit faster.

Operator: Yeah, I figure. The EEMT's are en route, they've passed security, you were right, the standard plumbing infiltration set up worked. They're inside the particle accelerator now and making their way to you ASAP. Please hold. Don't do anything else that's inadvisable.

Caller: There's another port/hole. It's looking very tempting.

Operator: Don't you dare! Sir! Please refrain from sticking dicks in inadvisable holes, especially in your current location.

Caller: I will. Or I won't. I mean: I'll behave. Don't worry. Just kidding.

Operator: Thank you.

— --

And yes yes, the writer knows it's impossible to stick your dick into any port that has vacuum and so forth.

And most likely they train the scientists at CERN to not stick dicks into holes and psych-screen out the weirdos that want to.

It's a joke people ;-p

Don't stick your dick in inadvisable holes. MMMKay?