Rescue Sixty 911 - The cat that ate the canary

Operator: Rescue Sixty 911, what is your erotic emergency?

Caller: [Giggles in background. Stop it. Stop it! I’m aaargh. .. sound of phone being taken by other person, who’s still giggling] Hello, ehm. . sorry, operator. Yes. . ehm. . we’re stuck. [Orgasmic giggless emanate at the background once again.]

Operator: Stuck you say. Well, that’s unfortunate of course. Could you elaborate please how you got stuck and what kind of help we can or should offer in your opinion?

Caller: You’re not going to believe this, if I tell you.

Operator: Don’t worry, we’ve heard it all. Give it your best shot.

Caller: OK. . [suppresses giggle]. . so we’re at this halloween party, I mean, my girlfriend and me and we’re both wearing the Catwoman costume from the Batman movie. The one with Michelle Pfeifer?

Operator: Ah yes, the one with the many zips.

Caller: Yes! Exactly.

Operator: OK. So you’re both wearing those and then what happened?

Caller: Ah well, I thought you’d have guessed. It comes with zippers at the crotch. And we felt naughty. So we inserted some remote toys and then zipped up.

Operator: OK. That sounds like a naughty and kinky experience. I’m not sure I’m at the emergency stage yet.

Caller: Correct. It’s when we came to the party, and we were messing with each other’s toy through the app, that things got heated and we went upstairs to one of the bedrooms.

Operator: OK, still with you. So you were in an amorous mood, sneaked upstairs, and then what happened.

Caller: Well, the zippers would have been in the way and aren’t exactly friendly to skin or erogenous zones if you catch my drift, so we started scissoring instead. We both had a Lush inside, so we were already having fun.

Operator: OK. I’m getting the picture. Scissoring happening, throbbing and vibrating toy inside. Much fun is had.

Caller: Yes. [stop it! Stop it! I’m turning yours back on too!] Sorry. She’s being a pain! [No you are! We’re never getting out like this!] Sorry, I’m back again [ start babbling. .. orgasmic sounds ensue]

Operator: [holds patiently, this isn’t her first mid-call orgasm]

Caller: [phone changes hands between the two callers] Sorry about that. I just. . well, sorry, not sorry. It’s so funny. And OK. So she told you that we’re stuck right? Or no, I told you that. So we were scissoring and I grabbed what I though was lube from the nightstand. Turns out. .. this kid is a mountainbiker. And he does bike repair in his bedroom. The lube. .. wasn’t lube. It was a tube of vulcanising glue. We’re stuck. At the crotch. In a bedroom we’re not supposed to be. At a halloween party. If I pull too hard, the cat suit will come away at the seams. And since it’s a body suit, we’re not exactly wearing anything underneath. So one of us will have to walk out with her puss showing to all the party goers. We’d like to avoid that.

Operator: OK. That IS quite the conundrum you gotten yourself into. It’s a new one. I’ll have to add this one to the manual later. For now. Ehm. A universal solvent, is likely to both dissolve the glue and the latex, so that doesn’t feel like a sensible option. I’m conferring with my squad chief, they think something like WD40 might work. But it’ll seep through the zippers and your cooch will definitely smell of WD40 for most likely weeks, with all the mucosal membranes there. Not a fate to be envied. We’re looking into other options. Please hold. I’ll dispatch the EEMT’s, whilst we discuss options.

Narrator:

Our operators are of course trained in a myriad of erotic emergency scenarios but humanity has its ways of managing to overcome preparation and that’s the moment the rulebook is thrown out of the window and the real science of erotic emergency relieve comes into play.

In this specific case a dominatrix is consulted, who has extensive knowledge about costume mishaps with skin tight latex suits and zippers. An expert, knowledgeable in latex, silicon, rubbers and assorted other body friendly materials, is also consulted. Lastly a physician with a specialisation in the human reproductive system and urological and pelvic anatomy completes the team. They were joined by another operator who happens to be a biking enthusiast. The emergency conference starts in earnest and options are discussed, we can listen in through this dramatic re-enactment:

Doctor: They’re not in danger of physical harm by exposure. The simplest solution would indeed be to tear the suit, take a pillow and exit the party, claming a wardrobe malfunction. If Janet Jackson got away with hers, well, I’m assuming these girls should survive the debâcle.

Operator: I feel like there might be visitors or hosts with “views” on unfortunate wardrobe malfunctions, which is what’s keeping them from going down this route.

Doctor: OK. Let’s assume they don’t want to put themselves on display or invite calamity due to indecent exposure with unwanted legal and social implications. What about the glue?

Materials expert: If the glue is vulcanizing, they’re shit out of luck. That stuff bonds on a molecular level. Especially with heat and friction present. The whole idea of patching a tire is that it’s supposed to be put under strain by inflation afterwards. The harder you pull, the stronger the bond becomes. It’s like a chinese fingertrap.

Dominatrix: Someone mentioned WD40?

Materials expert and biking enthusiast: Unlikely to help at this stage. If the glue was still in it’s curing stage, it’d definitely have helped. Now, no chance.

Dominatrix: I think we need to approach this from another angle entirely. We’re too focused on the suits. The EEMT’s are on the way and nearly there. Why don’t we simply let them pretend that they’re doing a acrobatics act. Normally it’d be really hard to keep groins together and walk like an eight-legged spider. These girls are literally glued to the groin to each other. If the EEMT’s simply say that they were called to catch a spider and the girls spiderwalk down the stairs, out of the house and treat it like a performance, no harm done? No harm, no foul, no social awkwardness and the other party goers will be impressed at their limberness and coordination instead of looking too deep into how and why their groins kept so tightly attached?

Operator: I think that might work. I think the disguise kit even has a Crocodile Dundee or Steve Irwin outfit. That would increase credibility I’m guessing. Animal control is always another costume and option.

Narrator:

The team agrees on the solution and asks the operator to discuss the option with the callers.

Operator: Sorry that took a bit. I’m back again. You girls still OK.

Caller: [giggles] Yes, welcome back, no worries. We managed to keep ourselves entertained. Did you come up with something?

Operator: Yes, we’re going to pretend you’re performing an acrobatics number. Where you walk like a eight legged human spider. Our EEMT’s can join into the act pretending to be Crocodile Dundee, Steve Irwin or animal control. Your choice. Do you feel that might work?

Caller: Wow! Ehm, right, we’d never have thought of that, that’s for certain.

Operator: All in a days’ work ma’am.

Caller: I think I like the idea of Steve Irwin finding a new species of spiders and going Crikey, I’m going to follow it.

Operator: Locking in Steve Irwin. They’ll be ringing the doorbell momentarily. We’ll have Steve Irwin, and a sound operator with a sound boom. They’ll jump into the room, slamming the door behind them. And then attach a pair of pelvic harnesses to your mid-sections. The sound boom will be connected to those. That way he can help you keep balance. You’ll have to do the heavy part of course by doing a walk bent over backwards. If you just take it slow and deliberately, pretending to allow party goers to take pictures and videos of the display, you should be out of the house and into the van in less than ten minutes. Probably less than five even. Think you can do that?

Caller: Well, it sounds like a lot of fun and the least terrible outcome. I don’t know how to thank you guys and girls.

Operators: Like I said ma’am. It’s all in a days work.

Narrator:

The pictures of the dramatic spiderwalk turned out magnificent. And the callers were never suspected of having done anything untoward. The EEMT’s even managed to sneak in a new tube of glue whilst helping the cats who ate the canary escape.

Remember folks. If you want to get frisky and use lube, always read the label to make sure it’s compatible with what you’re using it on. If you assume, you make an ass out of u and me. Or a couple of kittycats, stuck at the crotch, like the unfortunate callers.